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In
response to a family crisis, Harvey and Janice are struggling
to keep their family from changing, Harvey by trying to convince
Janice that she should be home more and Janice by enlisting Rita
to "fill in" for her. They react to one another with
Harvey criticizing Janice, Janice defending herself and Rita,
attempting to defuse her parents' conflict, intervening on her
mother's side.
Janice and Harvey are experiencing a wide
range of conflicting feelings, among them, sadness, anger, dependence,
worry, doubts and vulnerability. Like many people, the feeling
that is easiest for them to express is anger. It would be helpful
if Harvey and Janice could sit down when things are as calm as
possible and express the multitude of feelings each is experiencing
without blaming the other. The initial goal is for each to feel
heard and understood, not to problem solve (not to give or receive
advice). The second goal is to address the changes needed in the
family.
This discussion could include the children
and could begin with each family member expressing his and her
feelings without blaming anyone. Secondly, each person could talk
about what he or she could do differently to enable the family
to weather the crisis. It is useful for a family in crisis to
consider new patterns of functioning. For example, instead of
household tasks being managed by Janice and Rita, would it make
sense for the tasks to be divided among all family members?
Once the children experience the parents
working together, each may feel supported rather than neglected
and/or overburdened. In fact, it could be useful for Jason and
Benny to take part in the household responsibilities. Benny's
school problems might be related to parental conflict, rather
than his mother's absence from home.
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