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The
differences of opinion between the two sisters about their mother's
care in the drama, "Babying Mom", is not unusual. Aside
from the average sibling rivalry that's being exhibited, (yes,
it exists and flourishes even at the ages of 61 and 55), there
are the two different situations in which they find themselves,
reflecting their different needs and personalities.
Jenny is pressured by the many responsibilities
and conflicting loyalties that make her day so full. She probably
feels a little guilty that she can't give her mother as much attention
as her sister does. Knowing this, Iris can well interpret her
sister's "advice" to let their mother be more active,
as a cover for these feelings. Iris, on the other hand, has plenty
of time on her hand, and may even be looking for something meaningful
to fill her day. Caring for an aging mother is an opportunity
for her-though she'd be the last to admit it.
Coupled with the time element, Iris may
unconsciously be turning her mother into the baby she never had.
The nurturing instinct and the need to be needed makes many adult
children turn their elderly parents into dependents before their
time. So the less busy daughter may have something to gain from
taking the protective view.
What can be done? Before the arguments
get out of hand, some ground rules can be applied, that are good
for any family interactions:
- Don't attribute ulterior motives to
the other's behavior or opinions. That is, accept their words
at face value-as you probably would with a stranger. Just because
it's a family member doesn't mean you can't respect their viewpoint
as expressed.
- Avoid comparing standing in the family-who's
more popular, who's the favorite, who does more, etc.
- Refrain as much as possible from saying
(and thinking) "always,"" never," "as
usual," and the like.
- Money is the root of all evil, and
shouldn't be brought into family discussions, unless the issue
is a financial one.
- Accent the positive! In every situation
one can emphasize the other side's good points/intentions/accomplishments.
Jenny appreciates Iris' devotion to their mom and to herself
even admits "It actually suits me to have Iris looking
after Mom when I'm so busy". Iris no doubt is happy that
her sister and brother-in-law have the means to put the mother
in a good rehabilitation facility, though she's never said it.
Stated otherwise, Jenny might say to her sister, "You're
really doing so much for mother. I see she's sitting up now.
When do you think she'll be able to try feeding herself like
the psychologist advised?" instead of "Why don't you
do X,Y or Z"..
Hopefully, the sisters' innate good sense,
common concern for their Mother and genuine affection for each
other will overcome destructive and age-old jealousies and rivalries
for the general benefit of all.
There's another side to consider in this
scene-the mother. Often when we're in the heat of an argument,
we easily forget that our differences of opinion influence the
listeners, children for example, spouses, and of course parents,
especially if they're the trigger and directly involved. In some
pathological instances the subject of the dispute may enjoy being
the center of attention and being fought over. More than likely,
however, it is uncomfortable for him/her. It may simply be embarrassing,
or it may be a cause of deep sorrow for a mother to see her daughters
fighting, no matter how good their intentions are.
Another issue is just how much should a
recovering patient be encouraged to be independent. Is there an
accepted line to take in every case? The answer is of course,
that each patient is different. There are different causes of
a stroke, and the course of rehabilitation varies. Even more so,
each individual is different and relates differently to illness
and handicap. The attending physician, a therapist working with
the patient, and even a medical social worker can probably give
guidelines how much to "push" the patient or, on the
other hand, how much to hold back and caution the rehabilitee
to be careful.
There are people who may so want to be
well and independent that they'll do things that are foolish or
dangerous, like getting out of bed or the wheelchair without enough
preparation and supervision. There are others who will remain
passive or even apathetic, perhaps because of accompanying depression,
a common side effect of stroke, or because they've come to view
themselves as a sick person who needs care. These people won't
benefit from all the professional rehabilitation work invested
in them. Here the rehabilitation team will tend to encourage the
family to reinforce their efforts and refrain from doing certain
things for their loved ones, whether out of love, pity or a desire
to be helpful.
In short, each case must be judged on its
own merits, and hopefully, with the right direction from professional
staff, as well as the natural motivation by family members to
see the patient improve as soon as possible, the right path will
be followed.
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