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In the drama, "Disciplining Grandchildren,"
Violet criticizes her daughter Arlene because of the way Bobby
behaved during the party. Arlene defends herself and criticizes
Violet. Arlene feels hurt and angry. They distance from one another.
The mother--daughter interaction in the
above scene is familiar to many of us. Violet and Arlene have
very different ideas about what is acceptable for a mother to
say to her adult daughter. From Violet's point of view, she has
wisdom, which she would like to impart and values she wishes Arlene
would teach Bobby. She feels she has the right, if not the obligation,
to express herself openly.
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of all, Violet will have to decide that a good relationship
with her daughter is more important than being right. |
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From Arlene's point of view, she and her
husband are creating a new family, which should be quite separate
from her parents. They want little input from parents.
Violet and Arlene realize their relationship
is difficult. Can they improve their relationship?
Yes, but not easily. Violet and Arlene's
power struggle is based on unfinished business. Bobby is the latest
arena in a long-term struggle. In order to change the pattern,
either Violet or Arlene would have to change.
I would like to focus on Violet, the senior
member, and her potential for changing.
It would be helpful if Violet understood
that we can't change someone else; we can only change ourselves.
Working at accepting this, Violet could
decide to try and focus on Arlene's positive qualities, perhaps,
her warm relationship with Bobby, and try to ignore what she sees
as her weaknesses. She could give her genuine compliments and
withhold her criticism. Violet could begin to think about the
fact that there are different ways of viewing most things, including
the way a parent disciplines a child.
In relation to disciplining, it is true
that children must develop a sense of what's right and wrong.
They should be able to control themselves. But Arlene might not
feel that this control should extend as far as throwing wrapping
paper on the floor, or saying thank-you.
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might be stressing other issues of right and wrong. |
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Violet can also find reassurance in the
fact that, as time goes on, Arlene will receive feedback regarding
Bobby's behavior and his manners from other contexts, such as
his school.
Hopefully, Violet will shift from the position
of all-knowing critic to a more humble stance of a parent who
had dilemmas, and like all mothers did the best she could. Optimally,
Violet could internalize this stance well enough to get to the
point of talking with Arlene one day, and allowing her to voice
her complaints about the mothering she received.
Violet could listen as openly as possible
without being defensive, and acknowledge that she, like all mothers,
made mistakes, but that her intentions were to be the best mother
she could be. This might help Arlene to be less defensive herself,
and more open to Violet's suggestions about childrearing.
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