|
A:
It is wonderful that you are able
to express these things, and that you are in recovery. Anorexia
takes so many lives - - it is truly a credit to you that you
managed to overcome this illness. I hope that you have the
proper network of support to help you stay healthy.
As to body image, it truly is
difficult in these times of Baywatch and even Friends to deal
with a less-"perfect" - than Pamela or Jennifer
body. What all of us must keep in mind, however, is that we
each have our own beauty, and the essence of that beauty is
being healthy and strong. Making our bodies work and function
to their fullest potential is the sexiest thing around - look
at the WNBA players!
Being thin and angular so that
we look like we are about to die is an ideal which parts of
society have pushed and which we must actively reject. Who
cares what shape is "in?" I think weak, paper thin
women just look like they are about to expire - and like they
can't lift a knapsack if they tried.
Exercising is the surest way
to love your body and to get it into the best shape YOU can.
So find a sport you love, and just do it! After a while, you
will love your body for what it does for you.... Also,
please stay in touch with a therapist and nutritionist. Anorexia
is a haunting illness, and you may need the support in the
future....
Good Luck!!
- Sara
See (Crisis
Center / Eating Disorders and
Body Image)
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Communicating With Parents
Whose Minds Are Made Up
Q: My parents
are different ... they aren't exactly up to try new things.
Once they say something, that is how it goes, you're not going
to change anything they say ... and that's that. I know that
I argue my fair share, but they think everything is all my
fault. I just don't know. Will you tell me what you think
please?
A: Hi.
You know what worked for me when I was a teen? I would write
my mom letters - outlining what I saw as the problem, asking
for her to reconsider her opinion, giving her my reasons,
etc... That way, you never say anything you regret - because
you read it over first - and it gives your parents a chance
to reconsider stuff slowly without reacting right away...maybe
give it a try?
Good Luck!
- Sara
See Relationships
- Parents & Family
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Can I Keep Dad's Drug
Secret?
Q: A few days
ago, I caught my dad doing drugs. He said that if I told my
mother he would divorce her. I can't help but worry it will
slip out... I cant sleep ever !!
A: You
are so brave to be asking about this, and I understand how
this could make you really stressed out. This is a big burden
to be carrying around! And you shouldn't have to. Your father's
behavior is typical of drug users - - blaming, hiding and
denying. It might be hard for you to start dealing with this
because to do so you will have to be thinking of your dad
in terms of being a user - both of substances and of people
- and that is a painful and uncomfortable realization about
your own dad.
If you tell your mother and your
dad does indeed divorce her, the responsibility for the divorce
is not yours, no matter what your father tells you. It is
his marriage and his life, and HE is screwing it up, not you!
Please do not let him guilt you
into "protecting" him - because really, hiding this
secret is just extending his lease on the vehicle that is
taking him nowhere fast - and your family along with him.
You might want to try saying
something like this to him: "I love and you're ruining
your life and harming mine and mom's. I will tell Mom because
that may be the only way to get through to you. If you decide
to run away, that's your choice, and if Mom decides to divorce
you for your drug abuse, well, that's the consequence of your
sneakiness and your lies. Maybe someday you'll get the help
you need and you'll get control of your life."
I wish you much luck - continue
to be brave!!!!
- Sara
See Crisis
Center / Substance Abuse
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Responsible Teen Blues - Part I
Q: I
am 17 years old and a senior in high school. I get excellent grades
and have been accepted to a great college already. I don't drink,
smoke or use any other drugs. I help out at home and am active
in school. However, my mother has just set new curfew rules that
drive me crazy. This year was when I really started to go out
a lot, mainly because I have a car and a night license. I have
a group of friends that I go out with every weekend. My mother
used to have the rule that as long as she knew where I was and
I was honest with her about where I was I had no set curfew. This
worked absolutely fine until a few weeks ago. I have a cell phone
and I would call her when I knew where I was going to be. The
latest I ever came home was 1:30. My group of friends hang out
at this kid's house because he has this shack thing separate from
his house, with couches and a TV and a radio, and it's a lot of
fun. My mom asked me if the parents were there and if there was
drinking going on. I told her the truth, like she always wants
me to, which was that the parents weren't there and sometimes
there was drinking and she was ok with me going because she knew
I would never drink and I would never put myself in an unsafe
situation. Then all of a sudden she got to have a big problem
with it after talking to other parents whose kids have curfews
at 1 am. Now I have to home by 1 and I am not allowed to sleep
at my friends' houses unless we arrive there at 1 and I am supposed
to call her when I get there. We have caller ID, so calling from
somewhere else is out of the question. The girls that I hang out
with have no curfew, as long as their moms know where they are,
so they don't go home until 3 or so. My dad, on the other hand,
was perfectly content with the other rules. How can I make her
go back or at least lighten up a bit? I drive my friends to wherever
we want to go because I am the only one with a big enough car
(a minivan) and a night license. I am responsible and I have NEVER
done anything to betray her trust and I don't understand why she
needs to set these rules. Next year I will be in college and there
will be no parents ANYWHERE and no curfews. My dad and I both
agree that the situations, like that kid's shack-house, are similar
to college life and the choices I will have to make about my actions
will be similar as well. I can see my mother's points and can
relate to her reasoning, but what can I do to convince her to
let me go out with my friends? We have been fighting a lot about
this and I just want to resolve it.
A: It sounds
like there are a lot of things going on here. Let's try to break
the problem down into its smaller parts:
1. You act responsibly and maturely
and feel you deserve to be treated accordingly. You figure, if
kids like you can't get privileges and latitude, who can? And,
if you can't, why continue to be so trustworthy and truthful?
2. Your mom seems to have switched
the rules in the middle - which can be confusing. First she was
cool with a later curfew and no parents around; then, out of nowhere,
she wasn't.
3. Your dad and your mom disagree
on the new rules, and are sending you mixed messages.
4. You are wondering why this year
is any different than next, when you will be in college, and independent
anyway. May as well "practice", you're thinking.
The way I see it, you have every
reason to be confused. You are getting a bunch of mixed messages.
You should realize, however, that
while being a good citizen should certainly earn you special privileges,
it does not absolutely guarantee them. Your being responsible
is amazing, and good practice for life as an adult. But even adults
need to realize eventually (and, sadly, many of them don't) that
the only definite outcome of good, solid actions is accountability
to yourself. Also, no matter how responsible you are, there will
always be things that it's just not a good idea to do.
Let's look at things from your mom's
point of view for one minute. Maybe she heard things from those
other parents that scared her; or maybe she felt she was being
too lenient with you, and was neglecting her duties as a mom.
Maybe she was afraid to tell you "no" before because
she knows how hard you try to be trustworthy, but once she found
out that other parents were "putting their foot down",
she felt more comfortable doing so and risking your being upset
with her. Or maybe she is extra tense this year precisely because
you will be in college next year. Parents can get like that on
the verge of the "big separation".
While it is true that nothing seems
to have changed except your mom's mind, maybe it's worth discussing
with her exactly what led her to these decisions. Hear her out.
It's also worth asking your parents
to discuss this over between themselves first, and to let you
have a united decision. I think it's really tough to be in a triangulated
situation with your dad and mom volleying the disagreement ball
over your head.
Here's what I suggest:
Write your parents a letter, like
you wrote to us, outlining your position, why you think you should
have certain privileges, what you think went wrong, etc….
Make sure you are non-emotional, non-angry, and to the point.
Request specific things of them - a specific curfew time, a specific
friend's house where you want to hang out, or specific rules you
think should be added / reversed / changed. Then write a list
of your commitments to their rules - that you won't drink, won't
do drugs, etc… In short, draw up a real contract.
Ask your parents to review this contract,
together, either in writing or in person, and make any comments
they have.
You should be able to come to some
sort of agreement this way - once it's all laid out in a clear,
non-hysterical way on paper. Very often these struggles clear
up quickly once they are stripped of their drama.
You sound like an intelligent person
committed to making this work out.
See WholeFamily's articles
on Parents and Teens…
Good
luck!
- Sara
[Back
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Concerned Big Sister
Q: I
am not a parent, but a 19-year-old big sister. I have been spending
the summer at home, but am about to return to college for my sophomore
year. I am a little upset about something that happened in our
home over the weekend. I wonder what I should do, if anything.
My 9-year-old sister got into trouble
over the weekend. She has a habit of going off without telling/asking
anyone. In this case, she disappeared early in the day and we
could not find her. We called people. I went driving around to
look for her. My mom called the police. We were really worried.
My sister finally came home at around 8:00 pm from some kid's
house blocks away. Mom was furious. She gave my sister a good
chewing out, sent her to her room, and then gave her a bared bottom
spanking.
I question my mom's judgment. Was a spanking
a bit much besides the chewing out, being grounded for a week,
and having to write an apology letter to the police officers.
Is mom laying it on a little heavy?
Should I talk to her before I leave or
stay out of it?
A: It sounds
like you are a great big sister, a good daughter, and a good person.
I understand your concerns, and that your feelings of empathy
are divided between your mom and your sister, which is tough.
Let me begin by saying that if there
were a situation of abuse here, the answer would be unequivocal:
Go get help.
But it doesn't sound like there is
any abuse going on here. It sounds to me like a terrifying parenting
experience dealt with in a less-than-perfect way.
I will not deal here with how I
think your mom should have dealt with the situation, as this is
not really relevant to your question of whether or not you should
get involved.
As you correctly note yourself, you
are not a mom, and not the mom of the child in question. You are
in a frustrating situation, but you seem to be fully aware of
your limitations in this scenario.
My advice to you is to stay out of
it. In this way, you will allow your mom and your sister to develop
a relationship whereby your sister is able to follow rules and
empathize with your mom's concerns for her safety, and act more
responsibly. Similarly, if you do not get involved, it might be
easier for your mom to evaluate why she may have overreacted,
and how she would rather handle a similar situation in the future.
By throwing your hat in the ring,
so to speak, you could inadvertently give both your mom and your
sister the opportunity not to deal with the issue at hand, which
is their relationship with each other. Instead, your mom could
chose to deal with her feelings about your intervention, and your
sister could chose to use this an opportunity to escape responsibility.
If you step back, I think you may
find that you feel freer. I have a hunch that your mom and your
sister may be able to work things out themselves.
Good luck in college!
- Sara
[Back
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RELATIONSHIPS
- PARENTS AND FAMILY
Responsible Teen Blues - Part II
Q: Hi, I'm a senior
in high school. After graduation a group of my friends (the cream
of the crop - all honor roll top of the class students) are taking
a senior trip to Myrtle Beach. I have helped organize it all the
way through and we finally have reservations to Myrtle Beach Resort.
I drive a truck that was given to me by my granddad and, since
I'm the only one going that owns a truck, people are needing me
to drive so that I can haul luggage. My passenger would be one
of my best friends, also a 3.8 GPA, student. I have never drank
alcohol, experimented with drugs, or anything of that nature and
have even drove to D.C. for a NASA Internship that I received
this summer. My mom is adamant about me not driving to the Beach.
I really need to and want to drive…Any suggestions of how
to approach this?
A: Well, you
have a tough situation here. As an objective observer, a not-so-long-ago
teen, and a mom, I can see both sides.
On one hand, you are a responsible
guy and a leader. You earn good grades, are involved in your community,
hang out with a good crowd, and handle other teen challenges responsibly.
You feel that you have earned some independence and some trust.
You figure, if you can't be trusted to drive down to the beach,
who can?
On the other hand, your mom has a
right to worry. Teenage boys do historically have the highest
rate of fatal car accidents. Teenagers tend to have a sense of
"nothing can happen to me" - especially guys. This scares
the hell out of mothers. So even if you won't drink and drive,
let's say you are tired, or euphoric, or distracted - - all feasible
when you are driving to or from a trip to the beach with loads
of friends - - your chances for getting into an accident increase.
Even the most responsible, careful
drivers get carried away by music and a good mood. In a mother's
mind, these dangers are real and present - even if to you they
seem like distant chances.
My suggestion is to draw up a "contract"
with your mom to "help your cause". Maybe you could
promise in writing that you will not drive on less than seven
hours of sleep; will not drive for at least 12 hours after consuming
any alcohol whatsoever (which you legally shouldn't but we can
assume you will); will not drive in the dark; will always have
that other responsible passenger with you - and no others; will
not speed or drive recklessly; will not eat or drink or smoke
while driving; and any other things you or your mom wish to add.
Giving your mom your absolute word
on these things may help her swing her vote in your direction
- but remember: If she still says no, then you will need to think
about your options.
Are you willing to openly defy your
mom and go anyway? What would be the consequence for you and your
relationship with her? In addition to the ideas that I've suggested
perhaps you can think of other ways to help your mom feel okay
with letting you go.
I'm sure you'll have a good time
at the beach no matter who drives!
See WholeFamily's articles
on Parents and Teens
Good luck.
Sara
[Back
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FRIENDS
AND PEERS
Friend With Heavy Problems
Q:What
real steps can a friend take when her friend unloads heavy problems
on her, like you're her lifeline? Her parents overreact sometimes
(like suspecting she's using drugs, etc.-which she's not) and
make her feel terrible and stupid other times and then piling
on the chores (babysitting her kid sister, cleaning). She's had
problems and talked about suicide off and on for over a year,
sometimes it's too much. How do you know what to do -- is she
serious? She doesn't sleep regularly, but her grades are ok and
she loves art.
Help.
A: Hi.
Your friend obviously needs help, and it is not fair for you to
feel that the burden of all of her problems are on your young
shoulders. A lifeline? I'm sure keeping one life together - yours
- is hard enough!
As her friend, you need to ENCOURAGE HER TO SEEK HELP - like from
a guidance counselor or teacher or another adult in her life who
she trusts. There are also many excellent hotlines and websites
on suicide which she can try.
(See our Crisis
Center)
If she resists this idea, tell her you
will do it for her, but that you can't be responsible for her.
She needs other help.
I think that the only thing YOU can do is BE there for her, and
you can tell her this - that you will be her shoulder and her
ear, but not her wheelbarrow.
Best of Luck...You sound like a good friend.
- Sara
[Back
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LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Beware of Cyber Infatuation
Q: Hi there!
I'd appreciate it if you could give me some advice. I'm 14
and I'm in a very, very odd situation. A year and a half ago
or so, I met a 28-year-old guy online. No, no, we're not "in
love," just friends. Besides, I don't think it's possible
to fall in love online. However, I really do like him a lot.
Sometimes I'm infatuated with him, sometimes I'm not, it's
all very confusing. I won't go into all the details about
why I like him so much, it's just that he's SO much better
than any high school chump I know. Now, he said that he was
mildly attracted to me (or maybe not, he's very vague when
talking about that...sometimes he'll say he's fallen for me,
sometimes he tells me to chill out with my emotions, etc.)
but he won't act on it until I'm a lot older, like 18. He
also won't meet me unless my parents agree to it (which they
won't.) So...what do I do with myself? Should I try to harness
my emotions? Should I just live my life and see what happens,
should I tell him when I feel strongly for him?
A: Hi.
DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A 28-YEAR-OLD GUY!
I am glad he has refused to meet you - - because if anything
happened between you, he could get arrested - and you could
be in real emotional trouble down the road.
What I don't understand is why
he is even engaging in computer flirtations (if not more...)
with a 14-year-old girl. He is obviously conflicted about
it, as he well should be.
It is understandable that people
with common interests find themselves in like or in love or
infatuated or whatever with people online. It's a very sexy
thing, cyber flirting. You have time to think about what to
say, time to be at your most charming.
And you can totally improvise
the other person's reactions and expressions - half of what
you're feeling is made up. The
most tempting kind of love.
What do I suggest? From experience
I can tell you: Stop it. It sounds harsh, but just stop it.
Tell him that it hurts you too
much to be yo-yoed like this, and you know it's not right,
what the two of you are doing, teasing each other when there's
no way that you can be together in real-life.
Virtual relationships are real,
don't kid yourself. I am friends with a woman who met a man
online and left her family to be with her cyber-lover. They
now live together.
So don't play with fire. Flirting
with someone twice your age, when you are a minor especially,
is fire. There are plenty of sickos out there, and, even if
he is not one of them, he is certainly not 100% if he's flirting
with someone half his age.
So my advice: End it, as hard
as know that will be.
Hope this helps!
- Sara
See Relationships
- Peers / Crushes and Dating
[Back
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LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Confused About My Sexual Identity
Q: My best
friend and I are really close. We help each other with everything
and spend lots of time together. Last night, we were just
hanging out like usual and she just ended up spending the
night. (We'd been drinking earlier, but that had been about
4 hours before.) We were both just lying on the couch and
I was running my hand through her hair because she couldn't
fall asleep. She grabbed my hand and we started holding hands
like you would do with your boyfriend. After a little while,
we both leaned into each other and kissed. We were both kind
of scared, but we started making out. Neither of us had ever
done anything like this before, and now we're both totally
confused and fearful. Neither of us want to lose each other
as best friends, but neither of us necessarily didn't like
it. We've both had boyfriends, and neither of us are "lesbians",
but it's just kind of scary. What does it all mean and what
do we do from here??
A: You
sound pretty shaken by this experience, which is understandable.
Suddenly, your best friend is also last night's date! But
here's the question back at you: Are you really attracted
to women, or were you bored / lonely / curious / still a bit
buzzed? Also, is this something you want to deal with now?
Or would you rather agree with your BFF to stay "platonic"
from now on, and then put this on the shelf for a couple of
years, until you can look at the issue again with more life-ready
eyes?
I don't think you can label yourself
a lesbian or a bisexual on the basis of one experience, while
you can't and shouldn't ignore this, either. And while you
both may have enjoyed it, I can think of loads of enjoyable
physical sensations which I would not necessarily recommend
repeating because of the heavy price they carry with them.
The kind of true, unburdened friendship you two have now is
a very big price which you'd have to pay if you went on with
this new aspect of the relationship. I don't think it's worth
it at this point.
You may have to take a deep breath,
wait this one out, and see how you develop before drawing
any conclusions. So grab a comfy chair and watch yourself
unfold.
Best of Luck!
- Sara
See Sexuality
P.S. If you find that you've become
really confused about your sexual identity or if it becomes
a major focus for you, I think you should seek the advice
of an adult you trust - a parent, relative, teacher, guidance
counselor or whatever. (Really! I'm sure your guidance counselor
has heard everything by now. Trust me, she won't be shocked.)
[Back
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LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
My Mom Is Kinky
Q: I am 13
and have recently become sexually active. I know that it seems
young, but when my heart tells me something is right I tend
to listen. My mom asked me if I was sexually active and I
told her I was, but I feel a little strange how she is promoting
me to do it as often as I want, and be kinky and stuff like
that, because she is that type of person. She is really making
sex seem like a sick, twisted thing to me. (She has always
been really kinky and I don't mind her life, but she is like
trying to get me to get involved in that...I don't want to
be.) I just want to know how to break it to her.
A: It
sounds like you have a lot of intense stuff on your shoulders
at a very young age.
First things first: Hearts tend
to tell us lots of stuff at many stages in life, and they
are not always the wisest of body parts (although they are
far from the dumbest...) 13 is indeed awfully young to be
sexually active, and you may want to reconsider if this is
a responsibility you want to tackle right now while you are
still in the middle of growing in so many ways. Sex is the
ultimate act of sharing, and I think you need to be a bit
more selfish right now - with both your body and your soul.
Have you thought about who the person is with whom you are
sharing so much of yourself and if he deserves this privilege?
Have you considered what you would do if you got pregnant?
Or if you got AIDS? Or even a simple infection that could
turn into something serious, and prevent you from ever having
kids? Have you considered why you are having sex in the first
place? Is it a reason that always makes sense to you, and
that you feel whole with in the light of day? (See Sexuality/
Teen Sex )
Second: It's great that you and
your mom have open channels of communication and that you
were able to tell her that you are having sex. However, it's
a shame that she is burdening you with such mature messages
so early. Most people your age are just getting used to the
fact that their parents actually do it; to hear amplified
details is kind of disturbing.
If hearing this kind of thing
from your mom is making you feel weird about sexuality - and
about your mother - try saying something like this: "Mom,
it's really great that I can talk to you about sex and I'm
glad that you are so cool about it, but I'm not ready for
all of this kinky stuff. I'm not even sure I should be having
sex at all. Are there more mainstream things that you feel
I need to know about sex? Right now, I need a 'mommy' and
not a Dr. Ruth." I'm sure your mom will understand -
you're not dissing her, just asking for a different approach.
(And by the way, if you are having sex,
I hope you are seeing a gynecologist. Besides for checking to
make sure you are OK and serving as another sounding board, she
can give you all of the info you need on STD's, pregnancy and
AIDS. See Crisis
Center / Pregnancy and STD's .)
- Sara
[Back
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LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
AND SEXUALITY
Cyber-Boyfriend Pressuring Me
Q: I have a boyfriend
over the net and he is asking me if I would live with him, but
I don't know. He's older than I am and I just don't know what
to do. He says that we should move to New York City and have kids
and a family like everybody else. What should I do? I don't want
to say no and ruin his dreams. Please give me some advice.
A: Hi. I understand
your not wanting to hurt this guy, but that is never a reason
to drastically change your life or do something that is uncomfortable
for you.
Even if this guy was your boyfriend
in "real life", and not over the net, I would still
say that moving to New York and getting married and having kids
sounded premature. Teen marriages fail at a very high rate; it's
better to wait till you are ready in every sense. Especially since
you say he is older than you - he may be pushing you into something
which he is ready for, but you are not yet.
Don't let him. Listen to your instincts.
Don't worry about ruining his dreams. What about your dreams?
Follow those first.
As for your net relationship: relationships
over the internet can be dangerous. It's easy to pretend on the
net, and you never know for sure all about the person who you
are trusting with so many things. You should be very cautious
- - there are a lot of weirdoes out there.
Even if your boyfriend is not one
of them - even if he's a regular guy - the fact that he is older
and pushing you towards a step you are not ready for is not a
great sign. It is actually a bit scary.
Please let him know that this makes
you uncomfortable. And if he doesn't back off, I urge you to break
it off. Guys who pressure younger girls to take drastic life steps
are not great to have as boyfriends, to say the least.
It may be smart to tell a parent
or another trusted adult about this, in case it gets too much
for you to handle alone. You would not want to be caught with
a complicated situation alone.
Good Luck.
Sara
[Back
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LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS
AND SEXUALITY
Could I Be Pregnant from Fooling
Around?
Q: My boyfriend
and I fool around, but we never have had sex. Last night he had
his hands down my pants and I had my hands in his. Then I felt
something come out of him. We still had our underwear and pants
on. Is there any chance I could be pregnant?
A: Most of
the time, if not all of the time, you can be pretty sure that
pregnancy is not an issue if no sperm came into contact with the
general area of your vagina. It is highly unlikely that a sperm
will find it's way through four layers of clothing (your underpants
and pants and your boyfriend's) or from your hands to your vagina,
and then from your vagina to your uterus. So pregnancy should
not be your main concern.
However, if you are so freaked out
at the possibility of pregnancy, you need to reconsider how far
you want to take this "fooling around." The fact that
you sent in this question indicates to me that that your boyfriend's
reaching orgasm with you (which means that he "came",
and "something came out" of his penis) is a new step
for you, and is causing you a bit of anxiety.
You and he should re-evaluate how
far you are going to take this "fooling around", and
where your absolute "Do Not Cross This Line" is, so
there is no misunderstanding. This type of activity often leads
to "real" sex in no time, and it sounds like you are
not ready for sex and all of it's risks - including pregnancy.
These risks are clear and present no matter how careful you are.
In any case, I suggest you talk to
an adult you know - a parent, teacher, counselor - anyone you
feel comfortable discussing this stuff with - and get all the
facts you need on fooling around, sex,
birth control, STD's, pregnancy, etc..., before you find yourself
in an even more confusing - and more difficult - situation.
Good
luck...
- Sara
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LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Does Race Matter?
Q: Hi.
I have a question. Does race matter when it comes to liking them
or loving a person? What I'm trying to say is. Is it wrong for
white and black to be together?
I don't think so because I think God looks
at us all the same and not by our color. Some people may think
that's it's not right because of the way that different people
were brought up, but I don't think that just because some people
were brought up to stay with their own color, that if you date
someone that's not your color it's wrong.
Because God has a perfect someone for
every person in this world. He never said that they would be the
same color as we are. Do you understand what I am saying? Because
my mom heard me tell this black guy that I love him and she was
kind of hurt over it and tried to tell me that it was wrong. She
tried to tell me that if the guy was white she would love for
me to date him. I don't understand that. Because she knows him
and likes him as a friend and everything.
She still does, but she thinks that it's
wrong for me to like a black guy. Color shouldn't matter. You
know. It's what's on the inside that counts. Not what's on the
outside. I think that whatever makes me happy should satisfy her.
Because this guy is different from any
other guy I know. He's a year younger than me though. But that
doesn't matter. He's nicer than any older guy I've ever met. He's
nicer than any white guy I've ever met. He's nicer than most of
the black people I've ever met. Because as you know most guys
just want to have sex with someone and then leave them, but he's
not like that. We don't even talk about sex. It came up in our
conversation one time and he said that sex isn't even an issue
with him because he has feelings for me too.
So color has nothing to do with it. It's
just that he's different and he means so much to me and if he's
the one that I'm suppose to be with then I don't want to lose
him and be miserable for the rest of my life.
Help.
A:Hi. It sounds
like you have done a lot of thinking and soul-searching around
this issue, and that you have come to one major conclusion on
your own: That you want to be with this person.
You seem aware that much of society
is still not ready for this type of relationship, but the fact
is, you seem comfortable dating a person who is a different color
than you are, because you love the person as a whole.
It's great that you have such confidence
in love and in humanity, and this will take you far.
There is, however, the issue of your
mom to deal with. She sounds like a really nice person, and not
too hard to communicate with. She likes the guy, you say, and
it doesn't sound like she is setting any rules against you seeing
him, just that she is "kind of hurt" and "thinks
it's wrong". I think this is handle-able.
Parents, like everyone, have certain
ideas of how things will turn out for them and the people they
love. Even if they don't see anything wrong with a certain action
in principle, it is sometimes hard to accept that the action is
so close to them. Maybe your mom is worried about how other people
will treat you - she doesn't want to see you hurt. Or maybe she
is worried about how her family will react. There are a thousand
reasons why she may be totally cool with a concept, but less than
pleased when the concept comes home.
What I think you need to do here
is have an open talk with your mom about all this. You are lucky
- it seems that she is just the type of person who can talk openly
about stuff. It may be cool for you to realize that your open
attitudes come, in part, from your mom in the first place…
It may also be helpful to realize
that your mom may need to work out her discomfort on her own.
Give her a bit of space, as it seems she has given you. Everyone
deserves to feel their feelings without being judged, including
your mom.
It sounds to me like you have a great
attitude and a great mom, and that your mom has a great daughter,
who has chosen a really sweet boyfriend. Good luck with everything!
- Sara
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RAPE
AND SEXUAL ABUSE
Am I a Virgin?
Q: I was with
my current boyfriend and he pressured me to do oral favors
for him. He told me that it was natural and that I shouldn't
be "penis shy" as he said. I finally got the guts
to do it and well it wasn't that bad. Then that became a daily
thing and then when I didn't deliver these favors he would
get testy; so I proceeded with the so called "job".
After a couple of weeks then he tried to get me to sleep with
him. I am 18 and I was or still am a virgin. He was a little
drunk and the "job" was not working for him so he
then slipped "it" in. I was confused and frightened
but as my warped brain thought: "anything to make him
happy". It didn't hurt. A little pressure and burning
sensation but nothing else, and no orgasm. When I felt him
inside of me, I pushed him off. I was in my menstruating week
so I don't know whether he broke the "seal". It
lasted no longer then 3 or 5 minutes because I was so scared.
I mean this is my initial question: Am I a virgin or not?
I hope I am because I am now no longer with him because I
finally realized if he loved me the way I loved him he would
have never pressured me. I still miss him but I let him go.
Also, I hope I am b/c I really am trying to rebuild my esteem
and respect of my body and my mind.
A: You
are very brave to ask these questions.
First: I am so glad that you
had the strength and self-love to break it off with this guy,
and that you are trying to rebuild respect for yourself. That
is so important, and you are already well on the road there,
because you have started to deal with the issues, one by one.
Good for you!
Next: You need to get help from
parents or a guidance counselor or some other trusted adult.
This will take some time to heal, and you will need the help
of a professional, because sexual assault is a real and legitimate
trauma. He has taken something away from you, and you need
to deal with that, with a whole lot of support. Whoever you
turn to for help can also help you to report the guy for date
rape. It may not seem like a big deal to some people if you
were already having oral sex with this guy, but it is a big
deal to you, and in the eyes of the law. If you did not want
to have sex and he forced you to, that is rape. Even all of
the oral sex that he pressured you to give him is a form of
rape. You need to report him, with the knowledge that you
may have to answer some tough questions.
As to your main question, it
doesn't necessarily have to hurt when you lose your virginity,
and you are lucky - - that burning sensation and pressure
was probably it. No one but a doctor can tell you for sure
if you are still, physically, a virgin. In any event, you
should be checked by a doctor ASAP for sexually transmitted
diseases, and just to make sure everything is OK. She can
also tell you if your hymen ("cherry") was broken.
Even if you are physically no longer
a virgin, which is a strong possibility, that does not have to
matter, because you can rebuild your self-esteem without that
particular title. There are plenty of non-virgins who have "reclaimed"
their virginity by being celibate until they felt that they were
ready to have sex with someone whom they loved. These "emotional
virgins" are just as "respectable", if not more
so, than "actual virgins". I really hope you do get
help. (See Crisis
Center /Rape and Sexual Abuse; Crisis
Center /Pregnancy and STD's.)
Good Luck!!!
- Sara
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RAPE
AND SEXUAL ABUSE
Suffering After Sexual Assault
Q: Last October,
I was sexually assaulted by a guy at school. I haven't told
my parents, but I have told a few of my friends, who have
been very supportive. For a while, I thought I had gotten
over what had happened... But then I started dating someone,
and I can't stand it when he touches me or tries to kiss me.
After only dating for a week, he's pressuring me to have sex.
I feel dirty and disgusting. I try to "lighten up",
but I still feel horrible. I get angry at the guy I'm dating.
In fact, I don't think I can fall in love or trust any guy.
I feel like so alone.... Should I tell my parents? What should
I tell my boyfriend? HELP!!!!
A: I am
so, so sorry for what you've had to endure. It is terribly
unfair that so many young women suffer through rape and sexual
assault, and even more unfair that they feel that they must
suffer in silence, and then "lighten up", as if
nothing ever happened.
First: You really should tell
your parents. You need adult support, beyond the wonderful
help your friends have given you. I am sure they would want
to be there for you, and it will be a big load off your shoulders
to have this out in the open. Remember: You are not alone
and you did nothing wrong; your attacker is the only criminal
here.
Next: Do not pass go, do not collect
$200: REPORT HIM!!!! I suggest you do so now, before he hurts
someone else; Sex offenders are notorious for their repeat performances.
You deserve for him to be put away in prison, where he deserves
to be. (See Crisis
Center / Rape and Sexual Abuse.)
Second: It would be best if you
let yourself heal before getting involved in a sexual relationship.
The fact that your boyfriend is applying such heavy pressure
on you to have sex (and so soon) indicates that he is exactly
the kind of guy to avoid - especially while sex is still understandably
such a painful subject for you. So I would break it off; tell
him you are not ready for the kind of relationship he wants.
Third: You need to get professional
help. Victims of sexual assault take a long, long time to
heal, and they can't go it alone. With time and guidance,
you can learn ways to cope with the stresses of love, sex
and relationships, and can even learn to trust again. To do
this, though, you are going to have to work through a lot
of anger, fear and shame, all of which are normal reactions
to what you've been through.
Good Luck.
- Sara
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TEEN
PREGNANCY
Pregnancy Scare at 13
Q: I'm a 13-year-old
girl and I've had sex with my boyfriend for the first time
this week but without a condom and I can't wait till my next
period to see if I'm pregnant or not. I wanna know before
- how can I notice it? I know I'm young but I've been seeing
this guy for more then 7 months and I love him with all my
heart and he loves me to and we both wanted to have sex but
we forgot the condom and now we're both scared because I might
be pregnant and all my friends say I am ...but how would they
know? Thanks.
A: Hi.
You have to find a clinic where a gynecologist can check you
and help you out. Don't rely on your friends for this type
of advice. You are right - how would they know?
Listen, you can't know if you
are pregnant by "feeling" it...plus there are many
other problems and responsibilities that come with sex besides
pregnancy - like infections and diseases. You can't be forgetting
the condom! That's very irresponsible...
If you are so nervous that you
can't stand the wait each time for your period (because no
birth control is fool-proof), and especially if you can't
remember to use a condom, you really are not ready to be having
sex. Even if you guys love each other, there are many other
ways to express that. (See Sexuality/
Teen Sex .)
Personally, I think you should
re-think your decision to have sex...it's a very heavy load
to be carrying so young...emotionally, as well...Why do you
need the hassle?
Anyway, you need to get help
from a clinic as soon as you can.
See Crisis
Center / Pregnancy and STD's
Good luck!!!
- Sara
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SCHOOL
Teacher's a Tease
Q: My bio teacher
is young - my big brother's age - and a real piece of eye-candy.
He is sometimes very "buddy-buddy" with me (I know him from
when I was a kid and he hung out with my brother), which has
lately made me feel uncomfortable, like he's flirting. (He's
never touched me, though.) How do I get him to stop without
making an idiot of myself? Or am I being paranoid, and just
need to get over it?
A: The
way you ask your question indicates that you are not really
sure whether you enjoy the attention or whether it bothers
you, and that you are probably sending mixed messages to your
teacher. Eye-candy? He's your teacher: Get a grip! I think
your instinct of being bothered is probably the correct one.
You should not be thinking of him in sexual terms (even if
he is cute - he's off limits!) and he should not be acting
so chummy with his students that it can be misconstrued as
flirting.
I'm glad there's no touching
- yet. If a teacher ever touches
you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, go directly to
your guidance counselor or parents.
In the meantime, I suggest you
write an anonymous letter to your school's guidance counselor,
asking her to talk to this teacher about appropriate behavior
with students. If he's a decent guy, he'll cut it out immediately.
Meanwhile, keep your own temptation to flirt in check - don't
put sexual tension where learning is supposed to be.
- Sara
See School
/ Teachers
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