|
A:
Dear Sick of It,
It sounds pretty clear that your
relationship with your Dad is bad, and that you are seriously
hurting!
You mentioned the term "punching
bag". Was this figurative or literal? I hope only figurative,
because if you are being physically threatened, then I would advise
you to act now!
I would tell you and your Mom to
go to speak immediately with someone who you trust. Preferably
a trained professional counselor, therapist, your school counselor,
or clergyman.
If the situation is any way ever
even close to life threatening, then you and your mother must
waste no time in securing plans to have this inexcusable
behavior dealt with accordingly. (See Crisis
Center /Abuse.)
However, I will assume that you were
talking figuratively. Without trying to make excuses for anger,
you should know that many parents will err on the side of "strictness"
with their own children.
The bad news is that often times,
those parents who grew up with a certain kind of strict or volatile
parenting themselves, when faced with comparable circumstances
with their own kids, will fall into the same pattern of parenting
that they grew up with.
This usually occurs as an unconscious
(knee-jerk) response to the anger and fear they are experiencing
as parents at that moment.
The good news, however, is that if
in fact we're dealing with an otherwise fairly rational and decent
parent, who just happens to "freak out" with his kids
sometimes, then all is not lost.
Usually with some good, serious,
family therapy, families can "make-up", try and understand
one another better, and put together some new "rules"
for engagement.
It's hard to really advise you without
knowing more details, but it would not surprise me if you were
his oldest girl. Many good fathers have been known to grossly
"overreact" to their daughters' maturing and independence.
They often even get accused of going temporarily insane!
Is your Dad scared by any of the
things you do or by your friends?
Also, what do you do with your anger?
You mentioned that you can hold a
grudge forever. Have you ever heard the old expression that "it
takes two to tango"?
Some psychologists even try to describe
family anger patterns to be like family communication "dance"
routines.
Families frequently get into these
sort of ruts - for example: he says something that gets you angry,
you throw back some smart remark, he warns you - and you get into
a fight. Over and over.
Sound familiar? You need to learn
to deal with the anger without reacting right away - keep breathing,
and find the quickest way out. Let it ride, at least for the moment
- write or in your journal about what's going on, or, better yet,
write to your Dad - and then read the letter over before you give
it to him. That might be a great way to communicate without letting
angry words get in the way.
The issues should be resolved, but
the heat of the moment is generally not the best time. Try waiting
until you are both calmer to approach tough subjects.
Learning to handle your own anger,
and your reaction to other's anger, will probably be one of your
great life challenges. As you quite accurately noted yourself,
children grow up to repeat what they've learned!! You have the
power to stop the pattern we mentioned before...
Just know that many families have
been able to learn "to dance" in a new way. A way that
brings out the best in each other, or at least avoids the worst...
Once again, no matter what, let me
strongly encourage you to talk to someone professionally. Even
if it's just you, without your Dad, maybe you can learn some methods
to just avoid the fighting.
Try to look at it this way: if you
can learn to "handle" your Dad, you'll probably be able
to handle any other guys that come along in the future.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
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FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
Son of Divorced Parents Caught
in the Middle
Q: I want to live
with my dad and his new family in the new house he bought them.
I feel left out of his life, but also responsible for my mother,
because my dad is always doing things to hurt her. I will have
no place to live if I don't stand by her. The problem is, I don't
like her or love her; I just pity her. I want him to stop hurting
her, so I can go and live with him and have fun and a good time,
not always hearing all the problems she has with where to live
and all the bills she has to pay. What can I do?
- Responsible for Mom
A: Dear Responsible
for Mom,
It sounds like you've got some serious
issues "on your shoulders" these days. It's probably
difficult sometimes to even concentrate on school, dating, etc.
I'll bet you even play peacemaker sometimes - good practice for
a career with the U.N., huh?
The capacity to pity, or to empathize
with someone else's pain or suffering is a great human trait.
But just like anything - we can let ourselves get "sucked
into some sort of black hole" where we start to lose ourselves,
by "over - caring" for the one/s we are "pitying".
Clearly, I hardly know any of the
details of your situation with your Mom, but from what you've
said it sounds like you might have "crossed that line"
that divides healthy caring / pity from unhealthy caring / pity.
I'd even venture to guess that it's
only in the last couple of years that you started "pitying"
her instead of "loving" her, true?
Do you know why? Well, one reason
is that when we start "taking care" of someone, while
at the same time we're not really feeling so good about the "job
or role" that we've taken on, we'll often times find ourselves
coming to resent this same person very much.
Sometimes we'll start to become
easily annoyed by them, and even find ourselves seriously disrespecting
them. It's kind of a variation on that old phrase "proximity
breeds contempt" (translate - "when you're too close
to someone for too long - you start to focus on all their faults".)
What are you really worried about,
if you were to "leave" your Mom's house?
Let's turn things around here a little
- let's say that you're the Dad, and your 16- year-old son really
doesn't like living with you - and you find out, that he's "just
doing it out of pity". What will you do - how will you feel?
At first, you'd probably be pretty
hurt and depressed. But after you think about it for a while,
you begin to think about your kid - and you really want him to
be happy - you know as his Dad, that this comes first.
Sure if he wants to live with his
Mom, heck, you could live with it, right? Is your "ego /
self esteem" that "shaky" that you'd fall apart?
Probably not! Well, I'd say the same is probably true about your
Mom. You do not have to protect her, at your own expense, unless
you really want to. You ask her if you are "duty bound"
to stay, and how she'd feel if...?
What do you think is the worst thing
that could happen as a result? Now, having said all-of-the above,
let me twist your head a little in the other direction. Are you
being "brainwashed" against your Mom, by your Dad?
You wouldn't be the first one...where
the dad turns into "Daddy Feelgood" - life is just rosy
with him - no problems, no hassles, no worries. Shoot, he's a
guy, he understands what its like!!! Right? And meanwhile, he's
becoming "popular" with you at the expense of your relationship
with your mother.
I'd certainly recommend checking
it out a little further before you make such a "big"
move!
Have you gone to speak with a professional?
Maybe the counselor at school, or a coach, or a youth group counselor
- or a teacher that you really respect. Somebody who could give
you an unbiased, maybe even professional, opinion or perspective.
That's what I'd recommend. Good luck!
See Crisis
Center / Divorce
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
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RELATIONSHIPS
- PARENTS AND FAMILY
Scared of My Dad
Q: I'm 15, and
I'm scared of my Dad. He used to hit me hard when I was in elementary
school whenever he got angry, or sometimes he threw me against
walls. He stopped doing that in 7th grade because he realized
I was old enough to report the "violence". Even though
he's not hitting me anymore, I'm still scared of him. Now, whenever
he gets mad at me, he just makes hitting gestures, like lifting
his fist or belt, and screaming and then cornering me. I know
he won't really hit me, but it's already frightening enough to
know that he always has a temptation to do it, and he's only holding
himself back. God forbid if one day he can't hold himself back
I don't know what's gonna happen to me. He told me that in those
exact words, "If I ever fail to hold back my temptation,
I swear you will end up in the hospital!" I've tried talking
to him heart-to-heart, but he always ends-up saying that he can't
help it, its just the way he naturally is. He knows how I feel
already, but it's like a habit for him, or something. How can
I adjust?
- Scared of My Dad
A: Dear
Scared,
First of all let me emphasize that
family violence and physical abuse are completely unacceptable
behavior, under any circumstances, and are illegal in most cases.
If your father becomes physically
violent towards you again, I would strongly encourage you to seek
out some immediate assistance. You can tell a guidance counselor
at school what's going on, or call an abuse hotline.
See Crisis
Center / Abuse.
Just because he is no longer physically
violent with you, that does not mean that you are no longer being
abused, or no longer in danger.
Verbal abuse, screaming, and threatening
behavior are also forms of abuse.
It sounds like you are living under
a constant threat of violence, as is evidenced by your wondering
what would happen "if he one day can't hold himself back",
never knowing if the next altercation will be the one that "pushes
him over the edge."
You and the other "victims of
rage" in your family have probably already learned to hold
back your honest feelings or opinions from your Dad, because you
fear his violent reaction to them.
Growing up with this sort of random
and unpredictable violence often impacts your ability to trust
and communicate honestly in other future significant relationships.
No child should have to fear that
his or her own parents might intentionally cause them bodily harm,
no matter what they might have said or done to deserve it.
Your
father's excuse that "he just can't help it" is unacceptable!
He must learn to control his rage.
There are many excellent programs and therapists, which specialize
in helping people to overcome their own violent inclinations.
Furthermore, you are absolutely correct
to describe his propensity for violence as a "habit…or
something" - it is!
I would strongly recommend that you
and the rest of your family should, if at all possible, hook-up
with some sort of local support group for families who must contend
with a frequently "out-of-control" family member.
I would also strongly suggest that
you and the other "victims" in your family get some
good family therapy or counseling, without your Dad.
The therapy ought to help provide
you with a safe and healthy place to examine in what way/s you
have already been hurt by his anger.
Also in therapy you'll begin to learn
how to better cope with his rage and violent outbursts in the
future, without having to sacrifice your thoughts, opinions, and
feelings in the process.
The best advice that I could give
you for the moment is to try and stay out of "harm's way"
as much as possible. When your Dad does start to scream at you
again, as is probably inevitable, you should try to disengage.
Disengagement means learning not
to be at the mercy of his anger, learning not to let his anger
trigger an angry outburst from you in response.
Remember, "it takes two to tango".
The following are a few exercises that you can do, which will
help you to begin to disengage from your Dad's rage:
- When he attacks (verbally) try
to stay focused on keeping your breathing as normal as possible,
this will help you to stay calm.
- Listen to his words, and try
to acknowledge that you are listening by nodding your head;
but let his words just be his opinion - you do not have to "own"
what he screams at you - work on letting his words 'flow through
you".
I know that it especially
hurts because, after all, it's your Dad saying all these terrible
things to you; but when he's raging, it's not him - it's his
anger.
- Learn to recognize your own "eruption"
signs, as the anger begins to well up inside of you. Become
aware of the temperature rising in your neck and face, learn
to feel your muscles tensing, and the shortness of breath, etc.
Use these signs as reminders for you to graciously take your
exit cue - because if you stay any longer, you too are likely
to "lose control" and erupt, just like him!
- It also often helps to clench
your fists together behind your back where he won't see. Try
and channel your anger into your own hands, squeezing them tightly
together, and using the tension you feel in your hand's as a
reminder to keep your lips shut - and to not strike back!
Let me repeat - no child ought to
have to fear for their life - especially from their own parent!
Get help now.
Good Luck Keeping Your Cool,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
[Back
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RELATIONSHIPS
- PARENTS AND FAMILY
Who is the Parent Here?
Q: I am 15, and
my parents are not the greatest couple; they pretty much hate
each other.
My mom wanted to divorce my dad but she
is too nice and didn't want to throw him out 'cause he wouldn't
have anywhere else to go.
My mom is really hard-working and brings
almost all the money in this house. My dad is an architect (so
is my mom) but he is the most stubborn person I know.
He is not open-minded, and all he cares
about is himself. He and my mom had bad fights, and I have always
cut into the fights and then it has gotten physical between my
dad and me.
We both have hurt each other, but since
he is stronger than I am, I usually get hurt ten times worse than
him.
My mom is really lonely and she has nobody.
Since we moved here from somewhere else three years ago and moved
to different cities two times, my mom and dad have no friends
or any one.
I know that my mom is lonely and she has
told me herself that my brother and I are her only friends (my
brother has moved to another city, he goes to a university there).
I am very close to my mom and we do lots
of things together, but I still want to do things with my friends.
On the other hand though, I don't want to leave my mom alone at
home, 'cause she and my dad might get into a fight.
Just the idea of her being miserable and
alone at home, while I'm having fun with my friends is really
uncomfortable.
I don't know what to do, every time I'm
with my friends I think of my mom and if she is all right, and
now I hardly do stuff with my friends and I don't know what to
do.
It is really confusing, because my mom
is only happy when I am with her and I can't let her go because
of myself!
Please write back, if you know what I
can do.
- 15-Year-Old Taking Care Of Mom
A: Dear
15-Year-Old Taking Care Of Mom,
You are fifteen years old, and yet
you sound like you are the parent in your family instead of the
child. That must be really tough for you.
Someone has wrongly convinced you
that are somehow responsible for how your Mom is feeling. You
are not responsible for how anyone else feels!!!!
Giving-in to these feelings often
results in at least two unfortunate consequences:
- You give
yourself the message that this other person's needs, wants,
and feelings are more valuable than your own; and
- You reinforce
this other person's dependency upon you for "rescuing them";
and further enable them to avoid finding their own inner resources
to take care of themselves.
Your Mom's continued tolerance of
your father at home may be another example of this same sort of
behavior- but this time with her in the role of savior: "She's
too nice…he wouldn't have anywhere to go".
Being "too nice" implies
that while she knows it's the "wrong thing for her to do"
for herself, that she nevertheless continues to tolerate your
father's behavior, so that he won't feel bad (the honest consequences
of his actions) - in other words, she continues to "rescue
him."
Likewise, your not "feeling
right" about going out with your friends, because you know
"how alone and terrible your Mom feels at home", and
your wishing to spare her "the pain" sounds like you
"rescuing" her.
Here you presume to know how your
Mom will feel, and try to spare her having to deal with these
undesirable feelings, at the expense of your own needs.
It is not your responsibility
to save or rescue her from her feelings or pain. That's her
job. I'm not saying not to be sympathetic or understanding, just
that it simply is not appropriate for you to bear her burdens.
While it is certainly noble and decent
of you to care about your Mom so wholeheartedly, you are actually
doing a disservice to both your Mom and yourself by doing so,
at the expense of your own normal teenage needs.
By lessening your Mom's discomfort
with your Dad, or with her new home, or her lack of friends, you
in fact enable her to continue to avoid feeling "bad enough"
to motivate her to do something to seriously change the situation.
You are also hurting yourself by
sacrificing an important part of your own social / emotional development
by "parent-sitting" (which isn't too normal) instead
of going out with your friends (which is very "normal"
teen behavior).
You are also further programming
into yourself the message that emotional pain must be avoided,
and that one of your' "jobs" in life will be to rescue
people that you care about from their pain, by sacrificing yourself!
It is a very unhealthy myth that
you are subscribing to - that your Mom " is only happy when
I am with her".
If this is really so, then you must
ask yourself the question, when will it be enough, or when do
I get some time for myself? Will you have to stay with your Mom
for the rest of her life in order to ensure her happiness?
If you persist on this path, you
will probably actually come to resent your Mom because she has
inadvertently deprived you of living your own life, by having
you "take care" of hers.
Two things
that I would strongly encourage you to convince yourself of:
- That she
will be okay without you; and
- You are
not responsible for taking care of her, or your Dad - they're
the adults, and you're the kid - keep it straight.
It might sound like I'm advocating
selfishness, but that is not so. What I would hope to emphasize
to you is that your life, needs, wants, etc. are also important.
The best way to get out of this pattern
is usually with the help or advice of someone who is outside the
situation, who can help you to put your "helpfulness"
and "selfishness" into some sort of "normal / healthy"
context.
Counselors or therapists are useful
in such situations. It would be great if your family would all
go in for therapy together, but at the very least, your seeking
out some professional help would be a good start.
Also, if you feel that the "getting
physical" with your Dad ever gets out of hand to the point
where you feel threatened, please report this immediately to a
guidance counselor at school, or directly to the authorities.
You should not sit idly by in a dangerous situation.
See Crisis
Center / Abuse , Crisis
Center/ Divorce and Relationships
- Parents and Family.
I hope that this begins to steer
you in the right direction - good luck.
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ASCW, ACP
[Back
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RELATIONSHIPS
- PARENTS AND FAMILY
Worrying About Everything
Q: I have a very
controlling mother, and she is driving me up the wall. I have
entered a counseling group, but that's only added to my stress,
because the people in the group have become like family to me;
and now I have to worry about them. Their parents abuse them,
and all of them have tried suicide at lease once, and three of
them are now in a nut house. Also most of them are on drugs; every
day I have to worry if one of my friends has killed themselves.
What should I do?
Thanks,
The Worrier
A: Dear
Worrier,
It sounds like you feel that it's
your job to worry about everyone else's problems. Somewhere along
the way you appear to have been misinformed, because caring about
someone does not necessarily mean having to feel responsible for
his or her life, success, or happiness.
One important way that you can help
both your friends and yourself is to learn not to feel so responsible
for other people's lives, just your own. Work on teaching yourself
to take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and to
let other people stand "on their own".
Please don't misunderstand, I'm not
at all suggesting that you stop caring or empathizing with people
who you care about or love, just that you "take yourself
off the hook" from feeling responsible for their life decisions.
There are a lot of ways to still
care about others without getting pulled into their "dramas".
You can encourage them, give them moral support, write to them,
or even pray on their behalf, all without having to feel responsible
for how they ultimately feel, or what they ultimately choose to
do.
Maybe you ought to share with your
group how it feels for you to care about them, knowing that you
can't do anything to stop them from acting on their suicidal impulses,
short of being their friend, praying for them, or giving them
moral support.
Okay, now let's talk about you and
your mom's situation, which is actually related to all of this.
Even though you haven't spelled out
the exact nature of your mom's concerns, I would bet that they
probably have a lot to do with fear for your safety and well-being.
She may have the best of intentions, even though she is driving
you nuts. In effect, she is really just acting on her own kind
of "over-caring."
Knowing this can help you to understand
how she feels and be in a better position to not get so upset
by her behavior. It can also help you learn how to best "handle"
her, so that her fears are lessened somewhat.
"Make it okay" for yourself
that your mom is just feeling how she feels, and accept that nothing
you can do will change her.
The real challenge then becomes within
yourself, how you can learn to best respond to her controlling
behavior and the feelings of frustration or anger that come up
for you, when she does her controlling thing.
Don't fight her about her feelings,
because that will just make her more fearful and defensive, but
be smart and figure out in advance what is the minimum you can
do to help her be calm.
For instance, calling her when you're
out to let her know your okay, or keeping your word as much as
possible about being on time, and most of all, avoid giving her
"bad surprises", like calls from the school principle
or the police.
The bottom line is, once you allow
her to be herself, "controlling behavior" and all, then
the real challenge becomes how to best satisfy or allay her fears,
while still remaining independent and your own person.
Good luck, and remember - don't be
like your mom when it comes to caring about someone else - caring
does not have to mean controlling the other person's behavior.
You are only responsible for yourself, and your choices or decisions.
See Relationships
- Parents and Family
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson, MSW, ASCW, ACP
[Back
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FEELINGS
Am I Just Sad, or Depressed?
Q: I don't know
if I have a problem. Sometimes I get really depressed and I can't
stop crying, (this usually happens at night). In the morning I
always feel better. I always have thoughts of suicide no matter
what. Do you think this is a problem?
- Sad One
A: Dear Sad
One,
Yes, it definitely does mean something
that you are crying frequently, and often having suicidal thoughts.
I am glad you wrote to us, because
realizing that you need help is the first step in getting better.
It's important to talk and / or write
about how your feeling, and it's usually very helpful to do so
with someone trained to help you put the rush of intense feelings
into some sort of coherent perspective.
It is nothing to be ashamed of either,
it's just your system's way of letting you know that there is
something going on within you.
You need to get help now. Tell a
trusted adult how you feel - a parent, guidance counselor, or
teacher. They can get you the professional help that you need.
You deserve to be happy again! I
hope you see it that way, too....
See Crisis
Center / Suicide
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
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LOVE,
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUALITY
Losing Myself
Q: This is really
odd to me to discuss my problems online, but I am losing myself
very fast. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have
a 3-year-old son. We started out young, especially me. I am 19
now, he's 23. Before I got pregnant everything was fine, and we
never fought. Now that's all we do. We try hard not to, but theirs
no trust between us. I have been trying hard to fix things between
us, and I am out of ideas. Where do I start? I love him with all
my heart and I don't want to loose him. Help!
- Needideas
A: Dear Needideas,
One of the best ways to start "re-finding"
yourself is by writing and talking about how you're feeling -
your desires, your frustrations, dreams, etc. If you can afford
some sort of counseling or therapy - it's a really good way of
helping you to "reconnect" with yourself.
Try not to berate yourself too much
- parenting has been known to wreak havoc with even the most "together"
of couples.
And then there is the issue of your
age. One of the hardest realities to "hit home" with
young parents is the loss of self and freedom, which usually accompanies
child rearing. Just as you are starting to really "blossom"
into your "adult self", there is this other very needy
soul asking you to devote most of yourself to his development.
Often times young couples kind of
go blindly into parenthood with all the best of intentions, only
to find themselves almost hating the responsibility. This is especially
true if you don't have much of an external support system (i.e.
family or a spouse to help).
(See Relationships
- Peers / Teen Marriage)
Your relationship with your boyfriend
is probably being further compromised by the fact that the two
of you are at "different places" emotionally right now.
For example, how do you both feel
about being parents?
By the way, why boyfriend - not husband?
It seems to imply that the baby might be more yours than both
of yours - true? Also, why do YOU need to "fix things?"
You should BOTH being trying to fix things...it's not your job
to be in charge of the relationship alone.
You also seemed to hit one of the
crucial points on "the head" - "no trust between
us." That will do it every time. The element of trust and
a mutually agreed upon "action plan" are key ingredients
for any sort of parenting / couple relationship. Otherwise, it
feels like you're two separate forces - each pulling in different
directions.
Where did the trust go? How did "it"
get lost?
Have you two been to any marital
/ couples therapy before? Did it help?
I suggest that you concentrate on
"finding yourself" first. When you've done that, you
need to confront the problems in your relationship, one at a time.
I suggest you get some professional help with both endeavors.
These things won't go away on their own...
Good Luck!
See Marriage
Center
Sincerely,
Marc Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
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RAPE
AND SEXUAL ABUSE
Coping with Sexual Abuse
Q: I am having
a really big problem. My boyfriend has been forcing me to have
sex but I don't want to. The reason why I don't want to have sex
is that my brother used to sexually touch when we had to go to
bed. Every time my boyfriend touches me sexually I see my brother's
face and hear his voice. What should I do?
- Untouched
A: Dear Untouched,
Two separate but related problems
going on here...
#1 - YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT
ALLOWED TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!!! PERIOD!!!
You need to tell him to back off,
and let you "Do It", when you're ready - tell him that
emotionally you are not ready yet, and if he really loves you,
then he'll understand.
If not, is he seriously worth you
betraying yourself for?
Would someone that REALLY loves you
not understand? I think not!!
#2 - I'm really sorry that
something as beautiful and tender as a sexual experience ought
to be has been tarnished for you by your brother's criminal selfishness!!
That sucks!
I'm sure that your feeling "that
your boyfriend is forcing you to have sex" is also reminding
you of your brother forcing you against your will before.
But this might actually be one of
those so called, "blessings in disguise" for you.
I'm pretty sure that if you'd take
this hurtful association to a good therapist, you might be able
to deal with this painful memory.
You'll need to trust at least one
other person with the truth, maybe two.
If your parents have to pay for the
therapy, then remember that you don't have to tell them what's
really "eating at you", but that you're just "kind
of seriously bothered by some teenage stuff, and you'd really
like to talk with a real professional" - or something like
that. Also the therapist / or counselor will keep your confidence
to him or herself.
The easiest and fastest way to purge
the memory, believe it or not, is by going into it with someone
who knows how to help you get rid of the shame, the anger, the
fear, and the hurt.
At least it might be able to help
you "change" the memory, so that when YOU CHOOSE to
make love - you will be able to enjoy it.
Hope this helps.
(See Crisis
Center / Rape and Sexual Abuse)
Sincerely,
Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP
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