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What do you think Jen is going
through? You can almost hear her wondering:
- "What kind of husband
is my father?"
- "Is my mother a total
jerk or what?"
- "Are my parents going
to split?"
- "If they do, what happens
to me?"
- " What are my friends
going to think?"
- "Are all boys unfaithful
like my Dad?"
- "If Dad is seeing other
women, how come he and Mom are huggy and mushy?"
- "Why does Dad continue
to cheat on Mom?
- "What does that say about
their relationship?"
- "What, if anything, should
I do about this?"
And in addition to having all
these complex thoughts and questions, Jen is also feeling
sad about the whole situation and is very angry at both her
parents.
Jen thinks her mother is allowing
herself to be used. She doesn't understand that her mother
is struggling with a difficult dilemma - should she keep her
self respect and throw him out, or should she forgive him,
because she still seems to love him? After all, she still
gets "huggy and mushy" with him, dresses up for
him, doesn't throw him out and she herself doesn't leave.
Yes Jen, it's crazy, but that's
the way it is for now. It seems that Mom and Dad are in an
"addictive, co-dependent relationship" and Mom doesn't
have the strength to end it. That means that she's so scared
about being alone that she'll do anything to keep your father
from leaving. As someone once told me, "Divorce is worse
than death." It's not, but the fear of abandonment and
going it alone sometimes stops people from doing the healthy
thing.
Also, you should know that not
all men act the way your father does. I wouldn't want you
to think that you can't trust all men because your father
cheats on your mother. Yes, what he's doing is wrong but there
are men and boys who are loyal, honest and trustworthy.
I want you to know that you seem
to be the one person in your family who has her head on straight.
Your parents are so caught up in their soap opera relationship
that they haven't a clue as to how it's affecting you. Don't
be shy - tell them. It wouldn't hurt for them to feel embarrassed.
It might knock some sense in their heads. Perhaps, your Mom
will decide to kick him out or your Dad will once and for
all put an end to his affairs.
I suggest you write each of them
a letter and tell them exactly how you feel. Be direct, but
remember, all you can do is your part. It's their life and
no one can stop them from ruining it. "You can lead a
horse to water but you can't force it to drink."
Remember, you probably have a
grandparent, neighbor, aunt, teacher, guidance counselor or
friend who would be happy to listen. Talk!
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