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Dr.
Michael Tobin's prescriptions for a healthy parent-teen relationship
prompted many reactions from our readers. Though some consider
the article "a pretty good description of kids and parents
today", other claim that "it just won't work" in
their circumstance. Here is a sampling of the responses we received.
For several readers, the article
helped put teenage rebellion in perspective:
…You see, I come from a strict
Italian family where rebellion is the ultimate offence (not
to say that it ever stopped any of my sisters, brother or myself),
and also the ultimate sign of disrespect. We have each hit a
point in our lives with my parents where anything and everything
was a battle. I would venture to guess that it is just a part
of growing up. What fun (and how much of a learning experience)
would it be to just quietly agree to all of our parent's rules?
But some familial problems go far
beyond the normal teen-parent clashes described in Dr. Tobin's
article. For them, his prescriptions for a loving relationship
describe a pipe-dream:
I just read your 11 ways on how
to get along with my parents' and I'll tell you with my parents
it won't work, especially with my dad. See, he still treats
me like a little baby… He sometimes yells at me for no
reason. And I can't answer him back, because I am scared of
him. He even sometimes hit me, on my back. I was even thinking
of running away or committing suicide, because this is not a
life, it's a prison. I don't know what to do … he makes
me cry every day.
Most teenagers, though, living in
the midst of their battles, simply do not see an end to their
parental conflicts. They are fighting to gain their independence
and their parents' trust, they are struggling to be mature and
adult - and nothing seems to help. These teens are pleading for
a chance to prove themselves:
I was reading your 11 steps for
how teens can get along with their parents, but I noticed that
the vast majority of them wouldn't seem to work with my "relationship"
with them. Living with my parents actually makes me depressed
and unhappy; they find completely ridiculous reasons to ground
me, make me feel like a horrible person for little things that
I don't mean to do, and have almost caused me to commit suicide
3 times… Just to know that my parents just really don't
like me (at least I'm certain that my mother doesn't) completely
depresses me. I'm not a bad kid, I know I am not. There are
a million other horrible things I could be doing… But whenever
they yell and spit at me, and I try to get a word of defense
in (in a much more calm and civil manner than they had), I am
being disrespectful and malicious (to them). I speak so much
more civil and mature than they do 90% of the time, and yet
and I am apparently the spawn of Satan (which could possibly
have some truth in it, my mom does have a resemblance ha-ha.)
…
Me and my mother fight CONSTANTLY,
I have moved out of my house before, and ran away several times.
We DO NOT get along, at all! All I ask of her is to let me be
a little bit more independent, and that I need my freedom! She
won't let me go anywhere, or do anything with my friends, she
always thinks I am going to get in trouble! I will be 16 next
month, and I KNOW I am old enough to take care of my self responsibly.
She doesn't know that I know the consequences, good or bad,
of what i choose, or not to
choose, to do. How can i tell her that I can do just fine on
my own without her always nagging at me, and keeping me basically
under house arrest? …. I hate her for the way she treats
me. Like I am some juvenile trouble maker, which I'm not! She
hasn't given me a chance to prove myself.
…
I have started college and fortunately
I was able to leave the house and dorm. I thought I would receive
more freedom and I guess I do, but not as much as my roommates
do. Their parents seem to understand that they are adults and
if they make mistakes they will learn from them and plan their
life accordingly. Unfortunately I got stuck with a dad who insists
I have to go home every weekend, and when I don't go home he
comes and visits me. It's cool that he visits and I do like
going home but I am not receiving as much freedom as I wish.
Letters from other teens reveal their deep need for parental love
and attention. These parents may treat their teens like adults,
but forget that they are still their children.
How do you get your parents to
listen to you? For example, my mom won't listen to a word I
have to say about any thing that goes on in my life - then she's
always saying why don't you include me in your problems. Well,
you can't include your parents if they don't want to listen
to you.
…
I spent a great deal of my childhood
trying to "please" my dad. I thought if I tried harder
that would help...it didn't. This past Fri. I graduated from
high school and he didn't say congrats, I'm proud of you --
nothing. NOTHING nice came out of his mouth. Instead he bickered
at me because my tassel got lost… I've learned when things
are beyond repair between you and your parent(s) then you can
look to others to be supportive parental role models.
Every parent-teen battle appears
unique, and more importantly, appears uniquely stressful. But
our readers' responses underscore the fact that such clashes are
commonplace, though their intensity may differ from family to
family.
Teen battles will probably never
be eliminated; they've been occurring for countless years. In
many ways, these fights for freedom are integral aspects of the
maturing process. Nevertheless, our readers' responses highlight
the pain caused by these fights - it is precisely this pain and
bitterness that most teens (and their parents) seek to eliminate.
Dr. Tobin's list of prescriptions,
you will notice, does not promise a combat-free home. His prescriptions
for healthy parent-teen relationships provide a framework for
a more mature and loving relationship with your parents, but the
best things in life rarely come easy.
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