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Sibling
rivalry is a painful fact in all families that have more than
one kid. Growing up with a younger brother or sister can often
be a royal pain. Jenny is definitely within her rights to
demand her necklace back from her sister. While it is impossible
to avoid all fighting, agreeing on some ground rules regarding
respecting property and space can go a long way to reducing
the number and the intensity of fights.
Rules like asking permission
before borrowing anything from your sister or brother are
very important. Knocking before entering a room is another
rule that shows respect to another human being.
If we look at what is going on
between Jenny and Nicole we see that there is a lot of "putting
down" or demeaning of the other. If we stop a minute
to think, we quickly realize that I am not a better, smarter
or prettier person if I put down my sister. Not only am I
not better, I am probably worse off.
Cognitive psychologists believe
that emotions often follow actions. In other words, if I do
something nasty, I then end up feeling bad, as opposed to
first feeling bad, and than doing something nasty. So by putting
down my sister, I have not only made her feel bad, I also
end up feeling bad. It's a classic "lose - lose"
situation.
Mom doesn't do a lot to make
things better here. Often the best thing a parent can do when
kids are arguing, and neither one is in imminent physical
danger, is to let the fight work itself out. Parents siding
with one child or the other merely adds fuel to the fire for
the next fight. That famous line "Momma always liked
you better," never quite disappears.
What Mom can do, and this I give
her credit for trying to do, is limit the places where fights
can take place. "No fighting around me," or "Go
upstairs if you want to fight," may be helpful for the
peace of mind of the other residents of the household.
As for the threat of grounding--if
Mom doesn't intend to implement it, she might as well not
threaten. Hasn't she learned by now that empty threats are
useless?? Instead of threatening she might tell the girls
how she is counting on them to behave tonight. By letting
them know that she relies on them, she is communicating to
them her expectations of them that are in fact positive.
We know that kids often live
up to our expectations of them. If we anticipate that they
will give us grief and trouble, they often do. If we pass
on the message to them that we are counting on them, and know
we expect good behavior, they usually live up to these expectations.
By telling the girls how she
is counting on them, Mom has effectively changed the whole
tenor of the conversation. The girls can end the conversation
and start the day feeling good about themselves and looking
forward to the evening.
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