Crushes and Dating

So now I'm Jen's Back Up Plan. The Next Best Thing if Roger is otherwise occupied.

There is no question as to where her loyalty lies now.

It used to be me and Jen . Just us - every lunch-break, every night on the phone, every Saturday night at the mall. But now she's with Roger, and I have to ask her when she's free to talk or go out instead of it just being assumed that we would be hanging out together.

Last Saturday night, Jen asked me to come with her and Roger to the movies. I really didn't want to go - I knew I'd be left out. Jen sat between Roger and I, and they whispered and held hands throughout the whole movie. She only remembered to talk to me during intermission..

They asked me to come with them afterwards for pancakes and shakes - as if I would! As if they really wanted me to. I would have been left sitting there like some awkward geek, shoveling pancakes into my mouth, while the two of them made goo-goo eyes at each other and went halves on everything.

I'm sick of Jen telling me Roger's opinion on everything, or what Jen imagines Roger would say in absolutely every situation. I couldn't care less what Roger would think of me cutting my hair Meg Ryan style. Or what he would say if Jen and I both bought hot pink pedal pushers. And I just can't believe that Jen really cares either. I mean - she's always been so opinionated and decisive and strong. I've always admired her for that. But now, she's a little Roger mouth piece.

I wish I could tell Roger how nerdy Jen and I used to think he was. How we used to laugh at the way he would fidget and blush when a girl sat next to him in the cafeteria. How we figured his lips were too thin to be able to kiss properly. He didn't even make it onto our list of The Top 20 Most Hot Guys In Our Year, and there are only 30 guys in our grade.

But I can never tell him because I know that would mean Jen and I would be finished for good. There's no question as to where her loyalty lies now.

I can't even talk to Jen anymore about guys I'm interested in. She gets all patronizing about how I should be looking for a mature relationship. And though I wish I could tell her every single detail of a look or a kiss, just like I used to - now that she doesn't share those kind of details with me, it just doesn't feel right. Our friendship has become so lopsided.

I've stopped calling Jen. Her line's always busy anyway, and I can guess who she's talking to the whole time. I'm counting the days to see how long it will take before she rings me, or even notices that I haven't been calling. It's been twelve days already. Twelve whole days.

I just miss her so much, you know. And I just can't believe and I don't want to accept that she prefers him to me.

- Courtney, 15

Naomi Zelwer has a BA in Psychology and Sociology and has had further training in counseling, specializing in issues specific to adolescents. She lives with her husband and daughter.