Thanks for your important question.
It appears to me that you are on the right track. You have
identified the problem and are doing something positive to
change the situation. What you need to keep in mind is that
you and your husband are different people, with different
personalities, different ways of behaving and handling frustration
and anger.
You cannot control your husband or
his behavior, in the same way that you don't want him to control
yours. If you feel that family therapy is warranted you can go,
but you cannot force him to go. He may eventually come round on
his own if you lay off on the pressure and let him know that he
is wanted but you are not forcing him.
As for your children and their behavior,
they certainly look to you and your husband as role models.
That does not mean that they copy everything you do. Your
can moderate for your children what they see and hear, and
explain to them that there are different ways of handling
anger and frustration. It is important that you don't undercut
your husband in front of your children.
Children need both a mother and a father,
and while you certainly have different personalities and different
ways of behaving, you are both parents and both deserve respect
as such. If you put down your husband in front of your children,
your husband will understandably feel more threatened, probably
yell more, and not join in your attempts at family therapy.
It is very difficult, if not impossible
to change habits that have been formed early in life and have
lasted a long time. Setting yourself up to changing your husband's
yelling is probably setting yourself up for frustration and
failure. Turning to family therapy for yourself and your children,
while leaving the door open for your husband to join is probably
the wisest thing you can do.
Good Luck!
Dr. Naomi Baum, Psychologist
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