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A:
I can understand your concern about your son's apparently sudden
and extreme change in behavior. There are many questions I would
like to ask, and suggest that you consider some of them yourself.
Have you spoken to the preschool teacher? How does she perceive
the situation, and what does she recommend? Is there a guidance
counselor or psychologist affiliated with this preschool who could
help both you and the teacher deal with this problem?
This is the type of situation that
is difficult to counsel by mail, and is much more effective in
person. I will, however, try to shed some light on what is going
on. Your son is clearly reacting to something; what it is he is
reacting to, we don't know. It may be something as seemingly trivial
as another child who bullied him in school. There may be some
change in his family environment (pregnancy or birth of a new
child are two "prime" reasons that children react like
this; marital discord can also influence a preschooler). There
may be other reasons that we are unaware of that are causing your
son to react in this manner.
It is important to make sure that
the environment of the preschool is a safe one for your child,
and that the teacher is a competent teacher. Once you have ascertained
this, (and I am assuming that you have) you need to send a very
clear and unequivocal message to your son. Try something like:
" When I drop you off at school, I will accompany you to
class, help you off with your jacket, kiss you good bye and leave.
I hope you won't cry. If you do, I will still have to leave. I
will be back to pick you up at 12:30, when all the other children
get picked up." Review this very clear message with him.
He will test you. He will cry for several days. He will, however,
get the message. It is important to have the support of his teacher.
She may be able to reward him immediately for not crying by giving
him a sticker, or some other reward.
When you pick him up, don't go into
great detail with your son about how he feels when you leave.
If he informs you that he cried, tell him that you are sorry he
cried and you hope he won't tomorrow. Leave it at that. Let him
know how much you love him, and reassure him that you are there
for him.
If you present a clear, definitive
message to him, it is likely that he will understand pretty quickly.
He may continue to cry a bit, but this too will disappear. I repeat,
it is most important to have the teacher's input and support in
this plan. Without it, it will not work.
I wish you much luck. Please let
me know how it goes.
Sincerely,
Naomi L. Baum, Ph.D.
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