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First of all, rest assured that while it is very frustrating
for a parent to deal with, it is quite normal for children
under the age of three to have difficulty sharing items and
waiting for their turn.
I would suggest that for starters you
make sure that each of your children has some toys or belongings
that he or she can call their own. When children have siblings so
close in age, it is normal for parents to expect them to share.
All children, however, need some items that they can call their
own. I would suggest looking over your children's toys and belongings
and dividing them into three piles: Ling's, Cho's and items that
should be shared. Make a separate basket or drawer of items that
will belong exclusively to each child. Put these two drawers or
baskets in two separate areas. Show your daughter where her toys
can be found. If your son touches her toys, say, "No, these
are Ling's toys." Obviously your son is not old enough to understand
the difference between his toys and his sister's, but if you always
gently guide him to "his" toys, he may naturally begin
to go to them.
This does not mean that you should
not encourage your children to share. Rather, every child needs
some items that belong to him and that he can choose to share or
not.
Of course, in every household there
are some items that must be shared. Your 15-month-old is too young
to understand "waiting his turn." Your 34-month-old is
not. I find that a big aid in helping children learn to share and
wait for a turn can be a simple kitchen timer or hourglass.
If your children fight over a certain
object, quickly take out a timer and set it for say, five minutes.
Give the item to one child (I usually try to give it to the child
that had it first although that is not always obvious) and say,
"Now it is your turn. When you hear the bell, your turn is
over."
Your thirty-four-month-old is old enough
to understand this process and to know that her turn is over when
she hears the bell. Your fifteen-month-old will not understand this,
but if you enforce the same rules with him, your daughter will feel
that everyone is treated equally in the family and both she and
her brother must wait for their turns and share.
Remind your daughter that she can always
play with "her toys" and if your son is upset when you
give an item he wants to your daughter, try and distract him quickly
with some of his favorite toys. At his age, out of sight is usually
out of mind, so if he doesn't calm down when you give him a different
toy, suggest that your daughter play with the toy he wants in another
room.
Keep in mind that despite your best
efforts; there will still be times that your children will fight
over their belongings. This reaction is a normal part of early childhood.
By implementing the suggestions above, however, you can help your
children to understand earlier, rather than later, the concepts
of personal belongings and the necessity of sharing.
Good Luck!
Esther Boylan Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
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