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WHOLEFAMILY VISITOR DANA REPLIES:
"The fact that her parents didn't
divorce didn't mean that they weren't sick parents. They indulged
in a hateful relationship, and this was a failure of the individuals,
not the relationship. This woman would have had two sick parents
even if they divorced.
"The real question is how happy/unhappy this woman would have
been if her parents divorced while she was a young and dependent
child? Most of us grown adults are not children of divorce. Ask
a child of divorce whether they would have preferred that their
parents had stayed together. It is amazing what you will hear. I
have met such people who say that staying together would have been
preferable even if the relationship involves alcohol and physical
abuse. It appears that it is much harder to be a child of divorce
than it appears to us, from the outside."
AND ANOTHER READER REPLIES:
"My parents have been married
for 40+ years, three kids later, and a first generation immigrant
from Asia, marriage and family can survive a lot of challenges as
long as everyone is willing to make adjustments. In all the years
my family and I have been together, my parents 'discussed' - and
at times they were heated. Believe me I've seen my mother's frustrations,
but she stayed on and worked with the marriage and the family. She
makes adjustments, she patiently waits, she has good timing. My
mother always believed that there are certain things children should
not be exposed to and once they are grown up it's none of their
business.
"Divorce was not something I grew up with and never thought
it would happen to me, but it did. Sometimes when your happiness
and your very existence here on earth is threatened it is best
to take the divorce alternative than to stay in a marriage that
can either kill you, cause you pain, or cause emotional damage
to your children.
"When parents stay in the marriage,
even if it is 'bad', it shows a few things:
- that ugly and abusive(verbal, emotional,
physical, mental) treatment towards each other is acceptable (it's
not!)
- the children do not benefit from
it, they learn ugly and angry behaviors they will think is okay
to do to other people.
- it does not necessarily mean that
when a child grows up, he/she will recognize a bad relationship
or marriage, on the contrary, they might fall into the same cycle
without realizing it.
"I have friends who are single parents and know children who
come from a single parent home who are healthy. It can be done,
just realize that commitment, patience and perseverance are some
of the tools and keys to succeed in raising children as a single
parent.
- Remind your children that they are
not to be blamed for your separation from your husband.
- Show them your love and your attention.
You may have to put your own needs on hold for awhile, but in
the long run the fruits of your labor will shine through your
children. So often, couples 'use' the children to bridge the parenting
gap or to prove a point or to 'win.'
- If divorce is the only alternative,
try not to deprive the other parent from spending time with
their children, unless of course there has been a history of
child abuse.
- Marital and family counseling can
sometimes be an option if the relationship is not at the point
of 'no return.' Don't be afraid to seek professional help or to
try other alternatives.
AND YET ANOTHER READER REPLIES:
(Personal details have been changed
to protect her privacy.)
"My name is Renee and I am a 30-year-old
woman who has been married for almost two years, no children - just
a parakeet and a cat - might as well consider them as children!
My question is: "Why is the marriage bad?" What transpired
that indicates that your marriage is bad? I consider my marriage
to be in bad shape because my husband cannot keep a job and does
not know how to spell ‘responsibility.’
"I think if you exhaust yourself totally and feel that you
have put every "POSITIVE" effort into seeing what the
issues and problems are, there may be a possibility to continue
to stay in the marriage. A child did not ask to be brought into
this world and should be given the opportunity to have both parents
to love and care for the child.
"But, again, if you have done
everything you feel that you can do to try and salvage the marriage
(and I mean everything) then it would most likely be better to leave
your problems instead of trying to "fix" them. Remember
though, you will always have to have a part in this person's life
for the next 18 years of your child's life. What kind of strain
will that cause your child?
"My husband is from a broken home
and he has so much anger toward his parents that it is apparent
he will need a lot of therapy to undo what they did to him as a
child. Please try to salvage what you have and establish a positive
environment for your child!"
"Dear Editor,
"Having read the comments in the
section on whether or not you should stay together for the children
- I have one very important thing to say, those people advocating
staying in a bad relationship for the children have no experience
with this subject whatsoever, they even admit as much.
"I agree with the person who said
that it just causes more stress and strain on the children. I also
grew up in a family where the parents stayed together for the kids.
It was a nightmare...I strongly disagree with the person who
said that it's the people that are making it miserable and that
life would be just as bad if they divorced. That is absolutely untrue!
You would have to be a saint to live with a person in close quarters
when the relationship is strained.
"Also the parents certainly aren't
going to show their children what a loving relationship is like...It
is also wonderful to see my mother happy for the first time ever.
Although my older sister and I are adults now, we are much happier
now.
"I have one important question
for all of those who judge people by their divorces. Why should
someone be doomed to waste 15 or 20 or even more years of their
lives living in a bad situation because they have children? Those
children also deserve a happy household and that doesn't always
mean two parents. Not to mention that remarriage is also an option
and those children can benefit from having many supportive adults
in their lives."
A MOTHER WRITES:
"My mother divorced my father
after pretending to me, my younger brother and younger sister that
they had a happy marriage. The disagreements that they had were
kept from us for the most part, but I always had a sense that they
did not belong together. I HATED my mother since I was 13. She was
a loving, caring person who tried to do the best for us "staying
together for the children" until we had graduated college.
I had always felt that she was duplicitous. It caused me great frustration
and resentment.
"Now, I can see the correlation between when Mom tried to get
Dad to go to marriage counseling, and when I started to hate her
deceit. She would always say things like "you enjoy eating
your broccoli" with a big smile on her face and in her voice.
She literally plotted to leave my Dad from the time I was 21 until
I was 26. She even threw an elaborate 25th wedding anniversary.
"Dad was always very passive and
unconnected to his feelings, and I understand why she left him,
but he is the one I love, not her. Perhaps, I hated her for lying
and love him for always being constant and honest. Dad is the most
honest person I know, even to the point of being unconsciously rude
or undiplomatic.
"If I had to say whether they
should have gotten divorced, perhaps I would say that had my mom
been honest to me and said that she was planning to divorce my Dad
from the time I was 13, I might have had some respect for her. Unfortunately,
had she divorced in 1976, I would have been forced to live with
her. I might have committed suicide with only an unstable and sneaky
parent. The way she would change rules to suit her situation drove
(and still drives ) me out of my mind with anger. She has the same
effect on my brother, but not on my sister (or barely so).
"Had she divorced and my father
been given custody, I probably would be much more stable than
I currently am. My father taught me what responsibility means.
My mother taught me that you can be selfish and still do many
things that look like you are trying to do something for the good
of another. Perhaps staying in an unhappy marriage warped her,
but I do not believe it warped me, or my brother or sister.
"Furthermore, in answer to the
question ‘Why should someone be doomed to waste 15 or 20
or even more years of their lives living in a bad situation because
they have children?' I believe the answer is that most people
can live in marriages of quiet existence for 15 years where both
parents give up their ‘lives’ so that the children can
see that responsibility does not dissolve when you make a bad
choice. That the two people do not love each other does not mean
that they can not live as brother and sister until the kids have
reached 18 years of age.
"The children will see that their
parents love them. And those children will understand what it means
to be responsible and make responsible choices."
AND A FATHER WRITES:
(Details have been changed to protect
anonymity) "My divorce was final last week. Because we were
separated for almost a year before it was finished, I had a lot
of time to grieve (I didn't originally want the divorce), and then
reflect on the situation a little more objectively.
"Right now, today, the results of ‘staying together for
the kids’ are staring me in the face. And it IS the kids that
suffer. We have three children--a girl, age 14, who decided to stay
with me, a girl aged 9 and a boy aged 2, who live with their mother.
"The two-year-old is too young
for it to matter. We were separated since shortly after his first
birthday, so this way of life is really all he knows.
"Our daughter (14) is handling
it well, all things considered. She's always been a straight-A student
and none of this has been affected. Toward the end of our marriage
(when we were still together), our daughter developed an attitude
that said "if I want something, the way to get it is scream
and yell" (taking on the role her mom and I were playing--lots
of screaming and yelling), which DID affect her school work and
relationships with friends.
"Since shortly after her mom and
I split up, this stopped, and she's back on the ‘straight and
narrow’--not because anybody called her on it, but because
she's no longer exposed to it. BUT, because our daughter and I have
always been close, she doesn't have any desire to be around her
mom for more than an hour or two on mom's "visitation"
weekend. She's very bitter towards mom because of all this. Hopefully,
this will eventually pass and she will want to spend more time with
mom. BUT, it will certainly affect her overall outlook for some
time to come. Remember--this attitude came about because her parents
"stayed together for the kids" and ended up spending more
time in verbal confrontations than they did nurturing their children.
"Now, the REAL problem--our 9-year-old
daughter. At this age, I think children are TREMENDOUSLY influenced
by the environment around them. During the past year, she has developed
some severe emotional issues. These problems started during the
last few months her mom and I were together. Again, we were spending
a lot of time arguing and crying and all the other things that go
along with a marriage that isn't working any more. She's very angry,
has problems with relationships (making friends), and often kind
of goes off into a world of her own. She feels like she has no control
over how she acts (no control over her life), and says her acting
out is to get the other kids' attention and to make friends. She
can't seem to understand that she doesn't have to be someone else
for people to like her...in fact, this acting out scares the other
kids away. She starts counseling with a child specialist this week,
and hopefully we'll be able to get to the root of the problem and
take the steps to get her turned around.
"If you think that staying together
‘for the kids’ so that they will be in a happy, whole
family is the right thing to do, then you're only kidding yourself
and hurting your children, because the home isn't all that happy
(children know, even if you put on an act), and it isn't whole.
"I would advise ANYONE that, if
a marriage is salvageable, then by all means do whatever possible
to put it back together. BUT, when it's over, it's over. Staying
together for the kids (which we did for as long as we could) will,
in many cases, do nothing but negatively affect every aspect of
their lives."
AND ANOTHER MOTHER WRITES US:
"I have been reading these comments
on how divorce affects children and I too, finally had to respond.
Having three alcoholic fathers I have also been there as a child
going through divorce and difficult situations. Growing up and repeating
that cycle by marrying an alcoholic was very difficult for me to
accept (I swore I would never do that). Of course, I did not realize
this until after the second child when the responsibilities became
too much for him. Finally I had to come to terms with it and make
the decision that my children would be better off with a single
parent than with a parent with no values, goals or ambitions. Not
to mention bad habits!
"I have been a single parent for almost nine years now and
can not imagine my children having to be exposed to the kind of
life that they would have had if their father would have remained
in the picture. It has been "a lot" of work on my part,
but it has paid off. Both of my children are very high achievers
and very involved in school. They are both very athletic and involved
in every sport that our school offers. My son, almost 15, and
my daughter, 12 1/2, have grown to be very
responsible and respectful children. How could they have ever
accomplished these goals with nothing but chaos and fighting in
the home if things would have remained the same?
"I did not have a choice as a
child to avoid living in a very chaotic and painful situation, but
as an adult I have that choice. I would never recommend for anyone
to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. As one of the
other response letters said, how will they grow up learning that
it is healthy and normal to have a loving affectionate relationship
if all they see is fighting, control over each other and chaos?
For the most part, if that is the way you are raised then that is
how you will live as an adult when that appears to be "normal"!
"Without a lot of independence
and determination that cycle will continue to be repeated. I also
think children need to see that if things do go bad in a marriage
they have control over their own lives to make it better. Life is
too short to be miserable and unhappy. It can be very lonely to
be alone, but I would much rather be lonely alone than to be lonely
with someone.
"People change, some grow and
some never do. Why should the children be put in a position to never
experience happiness themselves as children because one of the parents
never grew up? Is that what we want to teach them - irresponsibility,
no goals, no motivation, no direction? I think not. My children
have learned to become more independent and responsible since it
has been the three of us for most of their lives, which I hope will
carry on into their adult life.
"I work for Family Services and
see so many messed up families. I am fortunate enough to have the
strength and ambitions to make my life and my children's life better
by not allowing myself to stay in unhealthy situations which will
always leave some kind of impact on the children. Most are not as
fortunate as I have been to see the effects and be strong enough
to change that cycle when it comes to our own children.
"I do believe very much in making
every attempt possible in trying to work things out, but when that
is not possible why should every one involved suffer, especially
the children! No doubt there will be some resentments from the children
when this happens, but with a lot of patience, understanding and
COMMUNICATION they soon are able to understand the benefits of not
staying in bad relationships.
"We must work closely with the
schools also. It is unbelievable the difficulties that children
have in school academically and with relationships when their home
life is nothing but negative. Every parent should consider all of
the pros and cons of this issue before thinking that it is in the
"child's best interest" to stay in a bad relationship."
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