"I have no friends." Have you ever heard those words from your child? Did you ever say those same words when you were younger or feel what Amanda feels? If the answer to those questions is, "Yes," then you are not alone.

Perhaps, the greatest pain for a child (and for an adult) is the feeling that "No one likes me."

Amanda is very unhappy. I listen to her and I feel like crying. If I were to give her a hug and tell her, "Amanda, honey, I know how sad and alone you feel," she would probably start to cry. Why? Because when someone feels heard, they express their real feelings. Any kid who's hurting needs that.

So the first step is recognizing when your child is being bothered by something. Obvious, you say? Well, too often parents either don't take the time or don't have the patience to bother noticing that their child is suffering. It's only obvious when we decide to do it!

Helping Amanda and children like her can be done in two stages. How each part goes depends on three things: your child, you, and the relationship between the two of you. Also, depending on those three variables, you might not even get to stage two. Let me explain.

I started by saying that Amanda needs to be heard. To be a good parent, you have to know how to listen to get inside your kid's experience, to walk inside her shoes. You'll have helped Amanda tremendously if she knows that Mom or Dad understand what she's going through.

If your experience has been that even trying to understand your child has only led to frustration, then we need to talk more. Many parents tell me that as soon as they approach their child to listen, their kid becomes all irritated and difficult. For some reason your child doesn't believe that your going to listen in a non- critical way. I need to know more about what's going on. Try joining a parent's discussion group ( just go to "Let's Talk" at the Parent's Center) or, if there's enough interest, we'll set up a mini-course on listening to help you out. Let us know.

Let me caution you: if stage number one of connecting with your child did not go well then stage number two will probably be a fiasco! The reason is simple: your child will probably be feeling that Mom and Dad don't even know what I'm going through so how will they be able to help me!! If your child does take an interest in Stage # 2 ( i.e.,your suggestions), then that's a sign to you that your child believes that you understand the problem well enough to possibly be able to help.

In order to help Amanda, we need to understand her problem better. So the second step is knowing how to be a good parental investigator. If you can't identify the real problem, you can't help your child.

What follows are some questions that I would ask Amanda if she were my daughter. But first, I want to caution you. This is a very sensitive subject for kids and your child might not be willing to discuss this with you. So I would suggest that you tell your child, "I know you're unhappy and you've been having some trouble with friends. I want you to know that I'm here to talk about it and to help you." Now, assuming your kid is willing to talk to you, these are the questions:

1. Amanda, why are you so certain that no one likes you? Have other kids said or done something to convince you that they don't want to be your friend?

Maybe Amanda, like many kids, you're not reading the signs correctly. What you believe is rejection may not be that at all. Even if kids sometimes say things that are nasty or hurtful, they don't always mean it. Kids, like adults, don't always think before they talk. I know it's easy for me, an adult, to say, "Don't be overly sensitive," but it's important to learn that sometimes you need thick skin so that you won't be bothered by every stupid comment.

Parents, sometimes children are convinced that no one likes them even though it's not true. Part of being a good parental investigator is getting concrete information from your child about why he feels so alone. Often, in talking to kids, I find that if they are having a problem with one kid, then they start believing that no one likes them.

2. Amanda, and if it's true that no one wants to be your friend, can you think of anything that you might be doing or not doing that makes other kids not want to be your friend?

Well, is it possible that you're not being friendly to other kids? Sometimes when we're scared that no one likes us we stop being natural because we're afraid of getting hurt.

If you were to find the courage to talk to a kid who you want to be friends with, you might find her responding positively. And if not, move on. Eventually kids who have the same interests or who feel good with each other, find each other.

Parents, even if your kid is shy or introverted, she might still feel bad that she doesn't have more friends. You may need to take a more active role in helping your child develop friendships. It may mean inviting a friend of yours who has a daughter or son your child's age over to your home. It may mean contacting your child's teacher and suggesting that he think of a way to help your child become more integrated into the social life of the class. It may mean encouraging your child to get involved in clubs or activities outside of school where she can meet other kids her age who have similar interests. In another environment, she may blossom.

3. Amanda, what does "being popular" mean to you?

Friendship is about having one or two real good friends who you can talk to, spend time with and just be yourself with. It's also important to learn how to be a friend to yourself. What does that mean? You need to learn how to be alone with yourself to find activities that keep you involved and interested. Kids often find close friends who share their same interests. Parents, are you careful not to send the message to your child that being popular is the most important thing in life? Remember, your child is not you. He may be more introverted than you and it may be more difficult for him to develop friendships. Try to help him to develop social skills, but don't force him to be what he's not. Encourage him to look within himself and in places other than school for interests in his life.

In conclusion, let me say that this is a difficult time in the life of a child and more than anything else she needs your friendship. School friends come and go, but a parent who a kid can feel happy and comfortable with and depend upon is a wonderful thing for life.

Have you ever had a child who felt unpopular?
What did you do to help him?