Guest
Expert Jackie Goldman, MS, answers:
Your children are at different stages in their lives and while
it might appear that the older one doesn't need as much attention
as the younger, the fact that's he's away most of the time
means that when he is home, he needs more attention than other
kids his age would normally need. At the same time, your younger
son is used to being the focus of attention at home and when
his brother arrives, he suddenly feels like he has to take
the back seat.
What
can you do to compensate for this situation?
What's
missing when children don't live in the same house are common
experiences -- both positive and negative. Your boys don't
have the opportunity to sit and watch a baseball game together
on TV or to go out and shoot a few baskets in the afternoons.
They don't have as much of a chance to develop a way to relate
to one another.
You could try planning activities the family enjoys doing
together -- like hikes or trips -- for the times your older
son is home. The idea is to create a repertoire of common
experiences for your boys. That's not always easy when there
is such an age difference but sports or other outdoor activities
can bridge that gap.
LET YOUR CHILD TEACH YOU SOMETHING
You want to form an alliance between them, to develop some
common area they can enjoy together. Maybe on Fridays, when
your ten-year-old comes home from school, his older brother
can be a coach for his younger brother's basketball or baseball
team.
You can help you older son recognize that he has a vital purpose
to serve within the family. I'm not talking so much about
chores or household responsibilities here but something that
earns him respect like sharing something he's interested in
-- be it history or knowledge of computers -- so you as parents
become role models of wanting to learn from the older child.
At the same time, your younger son needs that as well so he
doesn't feel that during the time his brother is away he's
important but as soon as the older one comes home, he's nobody.
He's also old enough for you to be able to sit him down and
explain to him that his older brother needs extra attention
because he's not home much.
It
would help if each brother understood that the other one is
also vulnerable. The older one thinks the younger one is home
all the time and gets all the attention and parenting and
the younger one feels that as soon as older one walks in,
"He's king and I'm dispensable".
If each could be helped to articulate his feelings to the
other and to his parents, then each one can recognize the
other's vulnerabilities and feel less threatened and maybe
even more empathic.
Other than that, have a lot of company over for weekend meals,
so they have less of a chance to fight!
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