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You're
right! Being the referee is exhausting! It's also futile, because
no one ever seems to be satisfied with our best efforts to settle
the arguments.
You can find some very clear guidelines
about relating to arguments between siblings in a book called
Siblings
Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
In short, the first thing to do is
to acknowledge the feelings of each girl. "Wow! You two sound
really angry with each other!" Then, hear each side and reflect
back to each girl what you heard. "So you were watching your
favorite TV show and your sister changed the channel."
To the other sister: "You've
been waiting all week to see this movie and you wanted to check
to see when it was coming on. This really is a difficult situation."
You can express your confidence that
the girls can find a solution that will be fair to both of them
and they can let you know what solution they came up with. Sometimes
when the quarrel continues incessantly, the parent needs to step
in and decide what the solution will be this time. When everyone
is calm and has time, a problem-solving meeting can be held during
which the parent can describe the problem again to the children
and ask them to come up with solutions that can be implemented
the next time a similar incident arises.
The goal of parents is to model and teach skills to children so
that the children will learn effective and respectful ways of
dealing with their differences and conflicts on their own, without
needing our intervention.
Good luck.
Shoshana Hayman
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