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A:I
loved your letter! Join the club! It takes most of us lots of
practice, patience with our own mistakes and acceptance of the
smallest successes before we feel we have made all of the changes
we would like to make.
Here are some ideas that may help
you put more of the How
To Talk So Kids Will Listen communication skills into regular
practice.
- Give yourself and your husband
credit for participating in the How
to Talk So Kids Will Listen workshop and for reading the
book. It's not easy to find the time to make an additional commitment
in your already busy schedule. It's also not easy to accept
the fact that parenting skills do not come naturally. We have
to unlearn some bad habits and then learn new ones!
- Appreciate your awareness of situations
when you could have responded more effectively. That's at least
half of the solution. When we hear ourselves talk, and make
a mental note that we could have said something that could have
opened the lines of communication, the way is paved for a more
helpful response at the next opportunity. Fortunately, our children
always give us another chance! When your eight-year-old shares
his feelings with you and you wish you would have just acknowledged
his feelings, you can tell yourself that this is a new opportunity
to practice for next time. It is also helpful to write down
the conversation, and then write a response that would have
been more effective. This can help make you more aware for next
time. Sometimes we have to fall into the same hole in the street
many times before we learn to walk down another street
- You can always re-open a conversation
either immediately or later on. For example, if you realize
mid-way into a conversation that you denied your child's feelings,
you can say something like, "Let's erase this conversation
and start again. I just realized that you must be feeling…"
Or, if the conversation is already over and hours or even days
have passed, you can try going back to your child and saying,
"You know, I've been thinking about the conversation we
had this morning (or yesterday, or whenever the conversation
took place) and I realize that…" Even if your child
has forgotten the incident, you are conveying how much you care
about him.
- Use the reminder cards that appear
at the end of each chapter in the book and at the end of each
workshop meeting. Some parents like to post them where they
can see them, such as on or inside kitchen cabinet doors, or
on the refrigerator. One parent told me she hung one on her
refrigerator and each week she put up a new one. She kept rotating
them, and this helped her become more aware of the small improvements
she was making until she realized that the small changes added
up to a big change in her family!
- Some parents are concerned about
their children knowing that their parents have to "learn"
to be good parents. They are afraid that their children will
lose respect for them. Actually, the opposite is true. Children
respect a parent's ability to say "I'm a good and loving
parent, and because I love my family so much, I want to be even
a better parent and learn more effective ways of showing how
much I care about the well-being of my family." Children
also enjoy reading
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,
and it's fun to talk about the skills and the cartoons together.
Parents and children can remind each other about the skills,
and in tense moments it can even provide some humor which can
ease the tension.
- As children grow older and go
through different stages of their development, we need to find
new ways to keep the lines of communication open. It helps to
re-read the book every now and again. Discussing situations
and responses together with your husband can reinforce the use
of these skills.
As long as we have the blessing of
being with our children, every day provides us with a new opportunity
to make a tiny change.
Thank you for your question. I think
many parents will be relieved to know that the situation you described
is very common!
All the best,
Shoshana
Hayman
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