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If anything in our society has truly become equal opportunity in
the '90's, it has to be parenthood. We are slowly being introduced
to a new family order where our functions as parents are not dictated
by maternal or paternal inclinations but rather by a sharing of
all duties. The jobs and responsibilities of child rearing in the
90's are no longer delineated by gender but by availability and
proximity.
Diaper changes are decided by the "Who
smelled it first" dictum, and not by the "My father never
did this so why should I?" defense of years gone by. Even the
laws of nature are being challenged and changed. It is well known
that the ears of the adult male are genetically not sensitive enough
to hear the cries of a newborn baby in the middle of the night;
the females' highly developed elbow to the stomach has made nighttime
wakings by the newborn a team event rather than the sole responsibility
of the frazzled new mother. Amazingly, the "My mother never
did this to my father" defense will not help here either.
The term "baby sitter," which
may stereotypically be applied to a teen-age girl or a matronly
middle-aged woman, is no longer used in conjunction with the father
caring for the children while the mother is away. For those unaware
of the new logic, it is impossible for a father to baby-sit his
own children since he is now the co-care giver. This being said,
fathers should not delude themselves into thinking they are equal
partners in all aspects of care-giving.
We have all been reminded countless
times that we are too immature to be entrusted with making any of
the big child-rearing decisions on our own. The prominence of women
in the workplace has caused both men and women to re-evaluate traditional
family roles. For example, when they both return home after a day
of work, who gets to sit down in the easy chair with the newspaper,
and who must start dinner and feed, bathe and put the children to
bed?
These issues are usually resolved today
with a sharing of duties with one parent attending to the meal while
the other handles baths and bedtime, usually leaving the paid baby
sitter reading in the easy chair. Even disciplining the children
has changed to a more evenhanded approach. Mothers rarely threaten
children with the old "Wait until your father gets home"
anymore. Punishment is meted out by the "Who saw it first?"
rule, taking a tremendous load off the modern father's back. One
of the possible pitfalls of this system of this discipline is that
we might be confusing a whole generation of children. Youngsters
who thought that maybe Mom could act as an intermediary with Dad
now find themselves not knowing who will be the stricter one.
I think the most difficult changes
of all for both men and women in the "New Family Order"
is shedding the stereotypes of the past. Men need to learn that
in this new order, old-style machismo just won't cut it. Any man
can act tough when dealing with other men, but it takes a man's
man to stand in a supermarket line, inches from the candy display
with four children in tow and walk out of the store without buying
one piece of candy. A real man today is one who can take the same
responsibility for his children that their mother does: preparing
their meals, nurturing them and caring for all their needs.
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