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I'm not saying my parents did a horrible
job raising us. It could have been a lot worse. After all, none
of us spent much time in reform school, and only one of us was
actually convicted of a felony.
Still, I knew in my heart I could
do a better job. I knew what not to do (anything they did). I
just didn't know what to do.
So, I decided to consult the experts.
The day after that positive pregnancy test I went out and bought
50 parenting books. Over the years, they've helped - in a way.
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| The best
thing these experts have done for me is shown me that I'm
the only true expert on my children. |
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Take sleeping. There I was, six months
after my Bradley-Lamaze, all-natural childbirth turned C-section,
with a baby that still woke up every hour on the hour. I'd nurse
him to sleep, gently lay him in his crib, then just as I drifted
back to sleep he'd scream again.
Dr. Spock (Baby
and Child Care) has a paragraph that says let the kid cry.
Dr. Ferber (Solve
Your Child's Sleep Problems) wrote a whole book saying basically
the same thing: Comfort him, but be firm. They claim he'd stop
after a few nights. But he didn't.
The sound of his screams made my
down-stairs neighbor bang on my ceiling with a broomstick and
made me feel like a monster.
I begged my friends to find me a
new expert, a better solution. "Not to worry," Cindy
assured. "Here's Nighttime
Parenting, by Dr. William Sears. He says to take the baby
into your bed."
That worked like a charm. I slept
right through his nursing sessions and so did the neighbors. I
also saved a lot of money on birth control as hubby had a hard
time getting close to me.
Once the baby started talking back
it was time to learn how to discipline. Dr. Spock says not to
spank, but that it's "better than lengthy disapproval."
Gee, I remember being spanked, and given my druthers I'd take
lengthy disapproval any day.
Dr. Eda LeShan (When
Your Child Drives You Crazy) says not to spank no matter what,
but in the next sentence admits that she, herself, lost it a few
times and whacked her kid. Ah, a book written by a real mother,
someone who actually raised a child.
Dr. Haim Ginott (Between
Parent and Child) provides us with this gem: Say your kid's
teacher spanks him. (Which is illegal in only half the US states.)
Instead of saying, "What did you do to deserve it?"
(my parent's line of choice) you say, "It was a bad day for
you."
A bad day my foot! When I enrolled
my son at a private boy's school I heard rumors that the teachers
hit the kids. I told my son, "If the teacher ever touches
you, you walk out the door, you come home and you tell me.
"Then I go down there, I grab
him and I beat him black and blue. Got it?!"
My sister said I was wrong. "You
sue," she said calmly. Easy for her to say, she's a lawyer.
Take allowances. Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs
(Children:
The Challenge) says give kids an allowance and don't pay them
for chores. Ginott agrees.
However, Dr. Raymond Moore (Better
Late than Early) states emphatically (exclamation point his),
"No cash allowances!" Instead, pay them for chores.
Both approaches are well and good,
but who has money to give away for chores or an allowance? When
I was a kid we were too poor for either method. Now that my parents
have inherited a bit of wealth I've discovered that money, like
twins and blue eyes, skips a generation.
All four of my kids have trust funds,
stocks and mutual funds thanks to Grandpa and Grandma. I, on the
other hand, have yet to see a dime.
I'm living hand to mouth, breaking
my neck to keep them in Nikes. So when they ask me for an allowance
I just snarl. The day my parents give me an allowance is the day
I'll give one to them. In the meantime they can work for a living,
like I did, or they can take it out of their trust funds.
I guess the best thing these experts
have done for me is shown me that I'm the only true expert on
my children. Their theories are all very nice, but if they're
not willing to come clean the spaghetti off my wall, they shouldn't
tell me how to discipline while eating pasta.
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