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You should know that your husband's reaction is actually quite
common. Since a newborn cannot yet "do" anything, many
fathers feel that the infant does not yet need fatherly interaction,
just basic care.
In addition, many first-time fathers
have little experience caring for infants and prefer not to be
involved rather than admit not knowing what to do. You didn't
mention other children so I am assuming your son is probably your
first.
Of course, you are correct that
your husband is missing out. Here are some suggestions:
- Consider that your husband may
feel uncertain about how to care for your newborn son. Don't
change your son and feed him on the side or in a separate room
from his father. Let your husband see the basics of daily care
whenever possible. This may make him more confident of his ability
to take care of his son.
- Let your husband see that
playing with an infant can be fun and meaningful. Sing to
your son and use some simple baby toys with him while your
husband is around. While right now, your son's reaction
might still be limited, within the next few weeks you will
already start to see changes, including that first "smile."
- Come up with "excuses"
to leave your husband alone with the baby, even for a short
time. When you go to the bathroom, don't strap your son into
the baby seat. Instead quickly slide him into your husband's
hands and assure him it's only for a minute. If you find this
suggestion is successful, try to forget something essential
at the store and run out just for a short time. In fact, I'm
sure it would not hurt you to have a reason to go out for the
night and leave your husband babysitting. Maybe you could plan
a "night on the town" with some friends. Of course
if you are nursing, the amount of time you can leave your son
may be limited, but even an infant can and should be able to
go two hours without being fed.
Your husband may find that he
enjoys this time and the more time he spends alone with his
son, the more his confidence will grow.
A father's initial reluctance
to interact with an infant usually diminishes considerably
and disappears as the child grows and starts to develop the
ability to interact with his parents and acquires exciting
skills such as sitting, crawling, walking and talking. Even
if in the end your husband does not choose to be the most
involved father during his son's first stage of life, keep
in mind that each person does have a right to individual preferences.
As long as your husband is committed to his son and to developing
a good relationship with him as he grows (which it sounds
like he is) allow your husband the space to grow into that
relationship. Keep up the encouragement, but don't push it.
Good luck. During the first year
of a child's life, you will see more changes than in any other
year in the future. Enjoy this special time. It sounds to
me like you are off to a great start!
Esther Wolfson, MA
Director, Early Childhood Development Center
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