Dear Dr. Sylvia,

We have three boys, ages 6, 2, and 10 months. Our oldest boy turned 6 in September and is in the first grade. We had him tested by a psychologist before kindergarten to see if we could start him early. His ratings were very high, and we were given the go-ahead. My son's teacher has been telling us that he doesn't have the maturity level, and he should be held back. Although he does well academically, he is a disruption to the class. She started a daily report with a happy face, straight face and sad face; we do receive more sad or straight faces than happy faces. When he gets a happy face, she writes on the sheet, "A good day" or "An OK day," but when he gets a straight or sad day, she makes a list of everything. When he is at home and by himself, he is great. When his 2-year-old brother is home with him, they both look for attention. I feel he is "attention-addicted," and it looks like his 2-year-old brother is heading that way. Do you have any suggestions of what do to reverse this?

All children should have plenty of attention, but first children and first grandchildren sometimes receive so much attention that they become dependent or addicted to that attention. Thus, they expect to be praised for every action or behavior. A new sibling or sharing attention in the classroom may cause them to feel rejected, and they sometimes turn to negative behavior to get attention. That negative attention may seem like immaturity.

The teacher's note home seems to be a good way to encourage your son's good behaviors. Perhaps she could add a short list of good behaviors to her smiley face, like "pays attention," "shares with others," and so on, to help your son understand that his good behaviors are noticed. She could shorten the negative list to one behavior that needs correction so you can explain to him how he could improve that behavior next time. You could also give your son a sticker for each day he receives a smiley face.

For the at-home behavior, be sure to give each of your children a little one-to-one time each day. Right before bedtime, or while one child is napping is a good time for that. Encourage your children's independence by using praise words like, "You did that on your own," or "You're becoming more and more independent." Help them learn to do small daily chores so they can feel like good helpers, and be sure they don't hear adult talk about their negative behaviors, or they will become more negative because that attracts more attention. For other parent and teacher suggestions, I recommend reading my book, "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades."

Dr. Sylvia Rimm,Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.