Dear Dr. Sylvia,

My 6-year-old son has an "I don't care" attitude. I have spoken to the school counselor, who has assured me that this is normal due to the fact that he is learning now and probably seems to feel he knows it all. In the meantime, she gave me some reading material that included some one-line responses to some of his more hurtful comments. If he says, "I hate you," the response would be, "Do you think you will still hate me at dinnertime?" These sometimes help, but he seems very flippant. He also doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions (such as hitting his younger brother), which would result in him being sent to his room. He usually blames his brother. He doesn't want to listen. I tell him if this behavior continues, I will punish him, and he replies that he wants to be punished, but when I tell him the punishment, he doesn't want it. What should I do?

Your son's "I don't care" attitude and his blaming his brother probably have more to do with sibling rivalry. Although most children experience some rivalry, some go through a more difficult time when a new baby comes along. First children, particularly those who are long-awaited, or first grandchildren, who receive more than the typical attention, may experience a new brother or sister as a "dethronement." After feeling like little kings or queens, a new baby may cause them to feel rejected. They can't explain their feelings, but their change in personality expresses their feelings. They become negative, aggressive, or depressed. Parents find themselves giving them more attention for their negative behaviors, and negativity may become their self-definition.

Plan a date with your son once a week alone, and you'll see the upbeat child you used to know before his brother was born. Give your son some privileges and responsibilities appropriate to his slightly older age, and when you converse with other adults about him, refer to him in positive ways. Do not talk about his problems within his hearing. You'll see a positive change that will give your son plenty of opportunity to shine. He'll soon want to listen, because he'll hear so much more about himself that's positive.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm,Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.