Q: My 11-year-old daughter attends a parochial grade school. At the end of last year, she was getting stomachaches and headaches in the morning before school. After many attempts to find out what was wrong, she was finally able to admit that she was having trouble with some of her classmates (girls) ignoring her, as well as calling her names and telling her that they didn't like her. Unfortunately, the class is small, and there are many cliques with the popular group monopolizing friends.

My daughter is somewhat overweight and requires assistance in reading and math. She didn't want to attend the first day of school, and asked to receive home schooling, which we told her was out of the question. Recently, she has broken out in hives at night, and we have very anxious moments in the morning trying to get her to go to school.

This is causing such a disruption in our home. I am constantly thinking about this problem and trying to come to some resolution, but I feel defeated. I spoke with the school psychologist, who wanted to meet with her; however, I'm not sure I want my daughter to have to feel that something is wrong with her. I had such a hard time getting her to open up to me that I don't feel confident she will even speak with the psychologist. How do I resolve this problem?

A: Your daughter's peer relationship problems are very common during middle school years. Being mean to others or selecting a girl to scapegoat keeps the other girls together, and they often don't realize how cruel they're being. It is true that being overweight can add to the stress and the peer stress can also encourage overeating.

The school psychologist can help your daughter by giving her some tips on handling the girls who are unkind. It may take a few sessions before she is willing to open up to the psychologist, but with your encouragement, she can learn a lot. The school psychologist could also provide some group counseling sessions for your daughter and other children around the issues of social skills and sensitivity.

My book, See Jane Win, has further tips, and for a free newsletter on peer issues, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 45489, Cleveland, OH 44145.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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