Q: Our daughter is four years old and can be a very affectionate child, but her mood is easily swayed into a rage that has been very difficult to deal with. Even before she reached the age of two, she has been fighting with her older sister, who is seven. She tends to be very defiant and throws a tantrum whenever we do not let her get her way. In fact, she gets so angry that she slaps her legs (leaving red marks) and screams until one of us either gives in or picks her up and soothes her. She has a very strong personality and is very demanding, so these situations are pretty common. We've tried time outs, but she just continues to scream and cry until one of us picks her up.

A: There may be biochemical reasons for your daughter's extreme mood swings, so I do suggest you see a psychologist, but before you do, you may wish to examine other possibilities. For example, is it possible that if one of you gets upset with your daughter, the other takes her side against the other adult or tells the other parent to calm down? That would give a child enormous power.

Be sensitive to any adult talk about the problem within your daughter's hearing. If she hears you or your wife persistently saying something like "What's wrong with her?" or "I can't handle her," that could cause the problem to worsen. Also, if you combine time outs with hugs, kisses, and reassurances that you love her, that will encourage more tantrums; or if you give into her, and she gets what she wants when she tantrums, that can make her tantrums much worse.

If you change any of these approaches and your daughter's behavior improves, you can be reassured that the problem is more behavioral. If there isn't any improvement after a month or so, be sure to get the professional help your daughter needs.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.