Q: My husband and I are at our wits' end with our oldest daughter, who is six years old (we have another daughter, age three). She is a very bright child, social and a born leader. Lately, she has been doing some very appalling things, and we just don't know what to do about it. For example, we were visiting relatives recently, and she and her three-year-old cousin got into the freezer, which was in the basement, and made a mess out of frozen whipped cream and glitter. She also left the freezer door open.

Another time while visiting at a friend's home, she wrote her name in large letters with permanent marking pen on a newly finished wall. Other damage has included peeling wallpaper off the wall and throwing food.

There are no major problems at school except for her being a very social child. We have timed her out and taken privileges away from her. I don't think she does these things to be spiteful. My husband is ready to throw her in jail! Please help.

A: Although none of your daughter's behaviors should surprise a parent, and all of your daughter's behaviors combined hardly make her a candidate for jail, surely the composite picture of this little girl suggests that something dramatic has changed in her life. Let me suggest several places you might look for answers, although none of these may be causing the problem:

• Has she made a new and close friend who could be having an adventurous influence?
  
  
• Could she be displaying anger? Anger can be caused by feelings of inadequacy at school, sexual abuse in the neighborhood or at home, sibling rivalry if there is another child, or discussion about an expected sibling.
  
  
• Has negative attention taken over? If there is a lot of talk about her "bad" behavior among adults, it may be serving to cause her to increase the negative behaviors.
  
  
• If you and her dad disagree on your responses to her behavior, for example, her dad gets angry at her and she comes to you for assurance, this could increase her negative behaviors.

If none of these apply, and if you don't do a lot of talking about your daughter's problems within her hearing, the problems may disappear, in which case, you can attribute them to chance or a stage. Do be careful not to accelerate the punishments, or you may find yourself in a continuous power struggle. Voicing your disappointment in her behavior, giving her time outs or organizing a way for her to work to earn money to compensate for her damages are examples of appropriate consequences.

However, if none of the above suggestions are helpful, and the behaviors continue or accelerate, do get a counselor to help identify what may be causing the problem.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.