Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I listen to your radio program occasionally here in Alaska on KSKA out of Anchorage, and am impressed with it.

A few weeks ago, I heard just part of your program where you were advising a divorced mother of the damage it does to her children to speak ill of her ex-husband, and the reasons why. I am in desperate need of this counsel for a couple I know, and wonder if you would give me that information. I do remember you saying that if the downgrading of the other parent takes place, it would cause the children to be disrespectful to all adults, not just the other parent and the parent the children are living with. I would appreciate it if you would enlighten me on this.

In the situation I refer to, the mother says it is important for her and the children to be able to continue to live in their large home (even though it is too much for them financially) because the children need stability after their parent's divorce. Yet, when the father visited the last time, she wouldn't let him in the house, and made him wait on the front porch holding flowers and ice cream for one of the children who was sick and some little mementos for the other children until she got the children ready for him to take on an outing. This message, along with other derogatory statements made to the children about him, seem to be disruptive to the children. The man is an excellent father and loves the children very much. In his own words, he has realized over 12 years of marriage that his ex-wife can't get over her manipulating, controlling ways. To survive emotionally, he had to get out of the marriage.

If I could expose this couple to your counsel on the impropriety of downgrading the other parent to the children, it would help to save the children from some heartache.

While living in the same home does provide children with some security, the hardest part of divorce for children is when their parents are in constant dispute. When one parent is disrespectful of the other parent and encourages children to bad mouth, hurt, or be disrespectful of the parent, it gives the children adult power over the other parent. The lines between adult authority and childhood become blurred. The children feel that in order to earn their mother's love, they must not love their father and, therefore, be disrespectful to him. That encourages them to believe that when things don't go their way with any adult, they have the right to be disrespectful because that seems to be what works.

Children feel closer to adults when they agree on a common enemy, just as nations become closer and more patriotic when they are at war. The enemies become their scapegoats for their problems. Children brought up in this kind of anger bond love to anger and build relationships with others based on a common enemy rather than on common goals, values, and interest. This can lead to lifelong dysfunction in their relationships unless they consciously make efforts to change.

It is important for adults who divorce to permit their children to continue to love and respect both parents whenever that is possible. Trying to get children on your side against a husband or wife encourages children's disrespect of all adults, and even worse, it causes children terrible lifelong conflicting feelings.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm,Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.