Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am so frustrated I could pull my hair out! What is an appropriate consequence for my 10th-grader, who neglected to complete a missed science lab and received a zero? The reminder was on the board for three days! His teacher e-mailed me to let me know why his grade would be an 80, much lower than the A he had at midterm. I haven't talked with him yet, but I want the consequence to help us both.

I feel as if grades, school and college are not important to him. He seems to simply do what he can to get by without being conscientious. He is not in accelerated or honors classes, and I held him back in kindergarten, so I feel like he should be able to handle this average work. I'm scared to death that he will not be prepared for college!

Although holding your son back in kindergarten could have been the beginning of his not learning to deal with challenge, that could also have nothing to do with his problem. It would certainly be a good idea to have him evaluated in case there are some ability problems.

As to the consequences, I expect your son is not very happy about his grade drop either. You may wish to ask him why he avoided doing the work, what he plans to do about the problem, and what he thinks an appropriate consequence would be. Hopefully, it will be one that motivates your son to do better and not just feel angry at you. If you try to understand his disappointment, he may make a better commitment. Consider yourself a coach, not a judge.

I'm sure you are justifiably frustrated, but knowing why your son deliberately avoided doing the well-posted assignment would perhaps help you and him determine the next step. Little kids sometimes really don't know why they didn't do their work, but a 16-year-old can understand his own worries if indeed you give him some opportunity to redeem himself.

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Dr. Sylvia Rimm,Phd

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