Q: My 12-year-old grandson, a gifted student and an only child, is a fine boy in every way. He loves to play conventional board games, mostly with adults and is very good at it most of the time. However, if it appears early on that he might lose a game, he becomes very emotionally and physically upset and wants to quit then and there.

I have tried to explain that he can't win all the time, and that is what games are all about, but to no avail. My concern is that this "must win" attitude will carry over into other areas of his life, and he will have major problems coping with some of life's setbacks in the future. Do you see this as a real problem, or something that will be outgrown in time? I would appreciate any insight or references in dealing with this type of problem.

A: You're giving your grandson the right messages, and indeed he will have to learn to lose in competition and be resilient enough to keep playing the game. His being both an only and gifted child contributes to his unwillingness to lose.

Your messages are fine, but what are his parents saying or doing? Team sports and group competition help kids cope with winning and losing. Intellectual competitions and game playing also help kids persevere. Winning can be exhilarating and motivating, but learning to handle losses without feeling like a loser is the stuff of which success is made.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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