Q: Recently, my three-year-old great-granddaughter was very upset and mad at her stepdad. He was locking her in her room. She thought it was for wetting her diaper. She also said that he puts his hand over her mouth when she cries.

When I confronted the parents about the room locking, the stepdad said he locked her in when he had to shower or go the bathroom and he used to leave the door open, but she got into too many things. I didn't know about the hand over the mouth when she cries, so I didn't ask about this. My great-granddaughter's mom said she knew about it and that a gate wouldn't keep her in her room; she would just climb over it.

Am I going crazy, or is this the way a child is disciplined these days? I don't remember having to do this with my kids and others in the family have not treated their kids this way. I believe this is a form of child abuse, and I want it to stop. Please give me the proper views on this, for my daughter feels this is OK if it is for the girl's safety.

A: Although the parents are only trying to keep their daughter safe when they take a shower, a double gate, one above the other, would be equally effective and not frighten her. At age three, she is old enough to understand when her parents explain that the closed door is for safety and not a punishment, but it may well be that the parents have not explained their purpose or the issue. While it does seem that the parents could use some help, what they are doing is unlikely to be considered abusive unless the child were locked in the room for long periods.
Covering a child's mouth when crying is certainly not an appropriate approach to handling tears. The girl should be encouraged to use words or go to time out. If the parents have simply muffled her cry temporarily in an embarrassing situation, like in a restaurant, I think that might be quite normal.

I hope you're discussing this issue with your grandchildren out of hearing of the child, or indeed your great-granddaughter's problem could become worse because you are siding with her against her parents. She does sound like a somewhat difficult child and that may be a more serious problem than either of your concerns. Also, when a family is blended, and there is a stepparent, some special parenting issues need to be addressed. Perhaps your great-granddaughter's parents could attend a parenting group or get counseling.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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