Q: As a father of three, my brother listens avidly to your program on NPR every Sunday morning. He referred me to your Web site, as my three-year-old daughter is having trouble at her daycare. She attends daycare Monday thru Friday from 8:30-5:00. Recently, she came home with a note from her provider stating that my daughter did not listen to her and that she was very hard to manage. Therefore, the provider is terminating her contract.

My daughter was premature by three months at birth. Thankfully, there is nothing wrong with her in any way. I took her last week for her three-year check up, and the doctor was most pleased with her intelligence, quick wit, and great ability to articulate. My daughter is a very sweet, extremely intelligent and caring little girl. However, I do feel that we tend to treat her in a special way because I always think of her beginning. My brother tells me I need to be more firm and that I am doing her a disservice.

What type of daycare would you recommend? How can I be more firm? What is more severe than a time out when she doesn't listen or is out of control and less severe than spanking, which makes me feel uncomfortable? My daughter carries a comfy doll with her almost all the time. I was thinking that when she acts up, I'd warn her that the doll would be taken away for a day if she doesn't stop.

A: It is true that the miracle of watching a premature baby grow healthfully often causes parents to treat him or her in a special way and perhaps even be too easy on the child. Being firm and following through are important in raising children. I don't recommend spanking, but time outs work well if you don't overuse them, and if you don't overindulge her.

It's inappropriate for a three-year-old to carry her doll constantly, although it's very typical to sleep or nap with the doll. Taking the doll away as punishment will probably not be effective.

Some positive things that will encourage your daughter's cooperation include helping her to use words and developing routines in her day that help her to understand what to expect. Noticing and casually praising the good things she does and letting her hear you talk to other adults about her appropriate behavior will also help. Be sure not to give her too many choices. Instead, take charge so she's accustomed to following any adult guidelines.

For choosing a day care, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 45489, Cleveland, OH 44145, for a free newsletter to guide your selection. I also suggest that you observe several daycare centers to note the various approaches to order and discipline that can help you at home.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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