Q: I am writing to you in the hope that you can help a family member. He is married and has two daughters, ages two and a half and three and a half. The mother of the girls allows the children to stay up until almost midnight, and then takes them to bed with her. Dad has no room in his own bed, so he sleeps elsewhere. Dad is not allowed to discipline them whatsoever.

The girls love coloring, and Mom thinks any and every surface is okay; walls, floors, and furniture -- at anyone's house. Dad has already toilet-trained the oldest and is trying with the youngest. Mom will have nothing to do with this. If Dad's not home, Mom puts them both into diapers.

These girls have no social skills and even their own grandmothers cringe at the thought of their coming into their homes for a visit. Dad is trying his best, but he is at his wits' end. If he tries to change anything more positively, his wife has a fit.

Some family members think the mother is very lazy or mentally ill. No one seems to be able to reason with her. Maybe if she sees this in print, it may help. I'm afraid this is damaging the girls mentally.

A: If your descriptions of this mother are accurate, I hope she does read my response. She is either ill or has an inappropriate sense of the freedom these children should have. Children who have not learned to respect limits for themselves often grow up to be difficult teenagers. The differences between the parents and the constant power struggles will cause the girls to be disrespectful first to their dad and later to their mother and other adults, too. Furthermore, since Dad is apparently powerless with his children, he is likely to give up or at least withdraw from parenting and, perhaps, from the entire marriage.

These parents should absolutely see a counselor who can help them to parent in a more unified way. The counselor can also recommend counseling for their marriage or to help the mother, if it's appropriate. I hope my response helps you get the message to this confused mother.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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