Q: I have a problem with my four-year-old son. We live next door to a family of five. Two of the children are girls, ages four and six. My son has been playing with them for the last year and a half. At first I liked having the girls over because it gave my son someone to play with while I was taking care of his baby brother. I noticed that the girls were not always nice, pouted, and had a hard time sharing. The youngest would always cry when she didn't get her way. The oldest tries to get my son to exclude her sister in play. I was always present while they played because I don't like to have my children out of eyesight. I would correct them at times, but I didn't feel it was OK for me to be always telling them what they did wrong since their mother was home next door.

My son has picked up on the girls' negative mannerisms. He acts snotty and is mean. I have started to limit their play, but the girls go unsupervised much of the time, and I feel guilty sending them away all the time. I have tried to use them as examples to show my son how not to act, and I have explained to him that those behaviors that he copies are not acceptable in our house. I have no idea what the correct approach is, and I'm sure I'm not doing the right thing.

Do you have any suggestions or books I could read to help me deal with this problem? I'm very frustrated because I want him to have friends, but I don't want him being rude, disrespectful, or mean to others.

A: This is an especially difficult situation because the girls live next door, but certainly at age four, you can choose your son's friends, especially when they have such a dramatic influence on his behaviors. I suggest making it clear to your son that the girls' behaviors are inappropriate, and you wish him not to play with them. It is better to say that and not let them play together than to let them play and use them as a bad example.

You may need to explain this to the girls' mother, which I'm sure won't make her happy. With maturity, the girls may behave better, and you may be able to try again. Encourage your son to be pleasant and friendly when he sees them, but not to invite them over. If your son goes to a preschool, he can make friends there, and you can arrange a few play dates each week.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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