Q: We have three children, ages six, four, and 15 months. The baby was born on the oldest's first day of school, and I think that's where our trouble began. The four-year-old seemed to get lost in the shuffle. While his brother was in school, my time seemed to be wrapped up in the baby. As time progresses, our son's behavior gets worse. At times he's like a Jekyll and Hyde. He's very intelligent. He's been able to say his ABC's, count to 10, and name colors and shapes since he was 18 months old. Lately, he's displayed a lot of hitting and screaming. We've tried time outs, and at times, spanking. We try to avoid the latter because we don't want to teach him that you hit when you're frustrated. This seems to be the case with him. When he is frustrated, and can't seem to express himself verbally, he hits and screams.

This has gone on for about nine months. Our son's physical behavior is toward his sister. He hits her and tries to control her and doesn't understand when she doesn't comply with his demands or instructions to do something. He threatens to hit my husband and myself.

I try to get him to verbalize his anger. We've tried redirection. We've enrolled him in tumbling class in hopes he can take ownership of something that his siblings don't. At times he's an "angel," and other times, he's a "devil." My husband thinks I am in denial and that we have a child with serious problems. I have talked to his teacher and she reasons that the behavioral problems our son has in school are due to his age. He's a younger four-year-old in a four-year-old program. We were hesitant to put him in the three-year-old program for fear that he would be bored, and we would have much greater problems. We are so frustrated at this point.

A: Although it's not possible to diagnose a child through a letter, because your son's problems began only after his sister was born, it seems more likely he's struggling with severe sibling rivalry rather than a deeper, more serious problem. Either way, the problem seems severe enough that I would recommend you seek the professional help of a psychologist.

You've tried many different approaches, but it seems there's little consistency. I would suggest you use time out every time he displays aggressive behavior and avoid mixing the time outs with hugs or too much talk. I think your son has accidentally discovered he can get your attention when he screams or is mean to his sister.

Also, be very sensitive to any conversations you may be having about your son with your husband or other adults within his hearing. If he hears you discussing how mystified or worried you are, it will increase his worrisome behavior. Instead, capitalize on his angelic behaviors, and let him hear you talking to his dad about how nice he's been that day.

Your son's age in preschool could be adding to his frustration if he is having difficulty keeping up with other children, but only a full evaluation by a psychologist could provide you with that information. Because you mentioned that he is very bright, that is less likely to be the problem than his sibling.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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