Q: I have a nine-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy. They are both very well mannered children and get the same praise from their teachers, but the boy has a rough time staying out of mischief. He has gotten excessive slips from school about talking too much or getting into trouble.

The behaviors are not bad, but enough that the teacher has to write him up. He has been in school detention frequently. He minds his behavior a majority of the time, but he gets in these modes when he forgets or just doesn't do what he is supposed to do. The girl doesn't have any trouble at school yet, but she doesn't always do what she is supposed to do at home. We constantly have to remind them.

Any advice would be helpful.

A: As you warm up for your new stepmother role, you'll want to leave most of the disciplining to dad until the kids have accepted you. For your stepson, who is having some school problems, I recommend that you set up some reward system for all his good days. For every day he doesn't receive a behavior slip, he could earn a point, and when he gets a slip, he would lose a point. For every ten points he earns, he could do something special like rent a video or pick the dessert or order pizza.

Try to encourage the positive things, and tell him you and his dad are proud of him when he's a good kid in school. Checklists help a lot for chores and responsibilities. You may want to arrange a family meeting to determine who will do what chores, so the kids feel like they're involved in the planning. If they've never had family meetings, they may especially enjoy the novelty and togetherness of the meetings and you may really score points with them as a stepmom. Make sure you have their dad's backing before you start.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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