Q: As children, our father sexually abused my sisters and me. I have an 11-year-old daughter who has had almost no contact with her grandfather and is asking why. How much do I tell her and when? I told her that, unlike her dad, my dad was not a good father to me. She interpreted that to mean we must have fought a lot when I was a kid.

I am reluctant to say anything more; yet, I don't want to perpetuate this secret. More than anything else, I am concerned about the effect my telling or not telling my daughter will have on her relationship with her own father.

All of the adults in the family know about the abuse. None of the children have been told. To complicate matters, one of my sisters lives near our parents and has two daughters, age 13 and nine, who see their grandfather quite often. I have been assured many times that he is a changed man and therefore trustworthy. My other sister has absolutely no contact with our father and has two teenage boys.

My daughter sees her male cousins several times a year, and her female cousins about once a year. If and when I do tell my daughter, I don't want to forbid her from discussing it with her cousins, but the sister with the boys doesn't think her kids are ready to know (although she is willing to hear what you have to say on the matter), and the other sister will never be ready to tell anyone. I need some guidance as to the appropriate response.

A: I think this is a good time for you and your sisters to tell your children about the problem that has kept you and your father apart. It may be easier on everyone if you tell the children together. You can explain that your problems with your father were far different than ordinary arguments and left you and your sisters with lifelong problems. If your father has apologized seriously and has received treatment for his problem, you may wish to forgive him. If you can never forgive him, you'll need to explain to your children that the crime was too serious to forgive.

Of course, you can reassure your children that their fathers would never harm them. Since there are differences between you and your sisters as to the acceptance of your father, you will need to explain that difference too. It would probably be best if the whole family (including your husbands) is present for the conversation. I think everyone will feel relieved and less burdened afterwards. It won't exactly be a party, but it will be a message of support for each other.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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