Q: My 15-month-old son is generally a perfect angel, but he has one foible. He likes to hit when someone picks him up. Since the age of about 11 months, we have noticed that he hits whoever is holding him and looks for a reaction. If the reaction is one of mild surprise or pain, he will hit again, usually harder. Scratching of the cheeks or eyes can also follow this.

We have tried everything to curb this behavior. We have tried the "no, no, no, hands-off" approach. We have tried the "be gentle," positive reinforcement approach. We have yelled and screamed, or put him down and let him cry, in which case he usually stops crying, forgets about it, and goes off to play on his own. Frankly, when his mom gets angry, she has hit him (not hard, but loudly) on his hands, more to scare him than to cause pain.

I have been hoping that our son will outgrow this for the past six months with no luck, and I am quite tired of warning people when they pick him up.

A: Before toddlers learn to use words to communicate, they may use biting or hitting. I doubt that they really understand the pain they're causing nor do they necessarily do it out of anger. They're certainly not doing it to be mean, but they don't necessarily understand the adult's response to the pain.

Telling your son to "be gentle," accompanied by an example of how to pat a person's face gently, would be appropriate. However, if he continues to repeat the behavior, you can place him in his crib for a few minutes with an angry reprimand so that he senses he's done something wrong. Sometimes that works after only a few times, and sometimes kids are more persistent. They may even smile or laugh when they see the adult is upset, but it is simply because they don't understand that what they've done is wrong.

Warning people beforehand and adult talk about your son's hitting may be the worst culprits. It may feel to him that he's expected to hit.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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