Q: I have a ten-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter. My son is always accusing my husband and me of loving and/or caring for his sister more than him. He feels this way because we are always correcting him or getting more upset with him because he doesn't always listen the first time and tends to get overly excited. My daughter has more self-control and is generally more caring about other people's feelings. He is an excellent student and always has positive reports from school.

I try hard to treat the children equally and feel that I do, but it makes it extremely difficult when one kid follows the rules more readily than the other. I probably have made the mistake of blaming him in error at times, but I am right most of the time. Usually, he is doing something to upset his sister.

I am thinking that it might help if I set a once-a-week date for my husband and me to alternate in doing something with my son alone. What other things might help? I've talked to him about it, and try to explain that I love him very much, but part of the responsibility of a loving parent is to make sure that their child knows right behavior from wrong. I think this explanation just makes him angrier.

A: It's always harder on the older child who was all alone first to have to share attention. It sounds as though you have been more than fair, and it's time to stop feeling guilty and over explaining yourself. It seems your son is learning to catch your attention by getting you to reassure him. You might just say, "You know my answer before I say it, so why talk about it?"

I do think a weekly date with each kid, rotating parents, would be fun and give you each some one-on-one time. It's also important to try to stay positive with your son and give him some privileges based on his age before you give them to your daughter. That can make him feel special, and, of course, she can have similar privileges when she is his age. For example, your son can have a somewhat later bedtime or more independence and freedom.

A good way to get the kids to work together is to help them plan a surprise for their dad or some other relative. They'll be so busy being secretive together that at least temporarily they'll bury the hatchet.

For a free newsletter on sibling rivalry, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 45489, Cleveland, OH, 44145.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

Copyright © 2000, Creators Syndicate, Inc.