Q: My 9-year-old daughter fits your description of "tweens." She is truly delightful in so many ways, full of the joys of life, for the most part, and loaded with personality. Being quite emotionally mature, she is very strong-willed and self-confident, knowing what she wants and likes. There is only one aspect of her personality that I have a hard time both understanding and dealing with; she is not at all content to keep herself busy, occupy herself, play on her own, or be on her own. It has been this way since she was three years old and arranging her own play dates on the telephone. She is excited and happy only when with friends or playmates.

My daughter would prefer to fill all her available time moving from one friend to another, one arrangement to another. If she has an activity in the morning and an arranged play date for the afternoon, she will attempt to make plans for the time in between! This can become tiresome indeed. She still attempts to ask if she can visit with a friend after school, even though I set a rule long ago that weekday play dates are not allowed. She is always expressing the desire for me to entertain or have company, will not even sit and do her homework without my company, and always tries to manipulate a play date into a sleepover as well. She never seems to need to "chill out," and never requires down time, quiet time, or alone time.

I often find myself becoming angry and frustrated with these demands and sometimes feel that something about it all is not right, not "normal." I have actually seen her become depressed when it looks as though no one is available to play that day. Her way out of that sad feeling is to suggest I take her to the store and buy her something new (but that's a whole other discussion!). There's a desperation about this behavior that seems to stem from something. How do I subtly encourage her to enjoy her own company at least part of the time?

A: All kids are not alike, and your daughter seems to enjoy a very busy and social time. There's certainly nothing abnormal about her energetic pace. However, it is good for children to be able to keep themselves busy and to become comfortable with some aloneness.

Certainly if your daughter seems depressed when alone and is totally dependent on stimulation, that could be problematic. Many of the successful women interviewed for my See Jane Win study valued time alone in childhood. Teaching your daughter to set some time aside daily to develop her personal interests and keep herself company is something worth talking to her about. She may feel lonely with it at first, but with practice she may find she can develop some independent resources that will hold her in good stead when she goes off to college and becomes an adult.

Your daughter may not choose aloneness for long periods of time, but do help her to see that there is a value in getting to know herself when not surrounded by friends. She'll undoubtedly choose a very social career because that will be most fulfilling for her, but her own reserves are important to develop regardless of her career choices. Encourage that independence, but don't worry about her love of activity unless you see the hints of depression worsening, in which case you should take her for psychological help.

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Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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