Q: When I first began dating my husband, his son was nine years old. He used to phone his dad several times a day and most times, his mother would get on the phone. She claimed their son missed his dad, and that he needed to see more of him. Every other weekend was not good enough for her.

Since their son was selected for soccer two years ago, my husband has not been able to see his son, sometimes for months. Soccer takes his son out of town on weekends, and the courts have told him not to allow the boy to miss his games. His mother has other team parents take him on these trips.

I have asked my stepson to phone his dad when he returns from his games, but he says, "I forgot." We have both asked him to send or bring us his soccer schedule, and we hear, "I forgot." This has been going on for two years.

I am so fed up with this child never returning his dad's calls, and yet he can call when he wants something, or when his mother can't drive him off to his friend's house. My husband does not deserve this kind of treatment from his son. The only thing I tell my stepson is, "Dad misses you, and he waits for you to call him; please don't forget."

My husband wants to ignore his son's calls (when and if he calls) as a way to "remind" his son that since he has forgotten to call, we won't answer the phone. In my opinion, I don't think that strategy will work.

A: Because the mother of his children can put a divorced father in such awkward situations, and because dads are really important to their sons, your husband needs to take a more proactive position in finding out his son's schedule and going to his games. A call to the coach would provide a schedule, and he can then tell his son he plans to be at some of the games. Perhaps he could even arrange to drive his son to some of the out-of-town games. That will immediately give father and son some opportunities to bond.

Your stepson should see that your life together with his dad is important, but that you do want to share it with him, and you understand that sports are, at least temporarily, very important. You may want to plan some vacation time over the summer so father and son can be together for an extended period of time. As your stepson approaches his teen years, he is even more likely to become interested in his dad's company, provided you don't become too impatient with him now.

You should certainly answer your stepson's calls because it would be dishonest not to, but Dad should not feel obligated to say yes to every request, particularly if his son is not appreciative. Don't hesitate about reminding your stepson to appreciate both what his dad does for him, and be very careful not to be disrespectful about his mother. As a stepmother, the easiest way you can secure cooperation from your stepson is to be pleasant and friendly to his mother, regardless of how difficult that may be.

Dr. Sylvia Rimm, Phd

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