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BACKGROUND
Before we talk about the specifics of teenage drug use let me first
mention the obvious. General drug use and/or abuse are an accepted
part of our society. Hardly anyone questions the basic assumption
that you take drugs to reduce tension, to lose weight, to concentrate,
to get rid of a headache, to feel sociable, to sleep better, to
kill a cold, etc., etc., etc....
Drugs temporarily hide those nasty
annoyances that accompany life at the end of the Twentieth Century.
Why inhale steam and drink vinegar when you can take an antihistamine
tablet to kill that nasty cold? The fact that prolonged use of antihistamines
might be dangerous is another story.
Feeling tense? Too much pressure at
work? Trouble with your partner? Not enough time to keep up with
all the demands? Don’t change your lifestyle. Pop a pill. You
can have instant relaxation without any difficult decisions.
When is the last time you went to a
social event and there was no alcohol? It would be considered in
rather poor taste not to offer your dinner guest a drink. Why? Because
alcohol relaxes us. It enables us to be more outgoing and less self-conscious.
How often have we felt frazzled and
exhausted and said in desperation, "I must have a cigarette,"
or "I’ve got to have a cup of coffee?" When we wonder
why our kids turn out they way they do, I suggest we first look
in the mirror.
Another point. I don’t know who
may be reading this right now. Yet, I can say with a degree of confidence
that at least 40% of us have smoked pot and a smaller number of
us have tried other illegal substances. For the sake of prudence,
I’m being conservative. In reality, the numbers are most likely
higher. If we factor in alcohol and legal mood altering drugs such
as Valium, then the numbers are close to 100%.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not
on a soapbox condemning the moral failures of contemporary society.
What I do want to do is portray the context in which teen drug use
and abuse occurs. Like other serious teen problems, such as anorexia,
pregnancy, violence and suicide, drug use and abuse are logical
outcomes of the society in which we live.
Does that mean we just throw our hands
up in frustration and say, "What can I do? I can’t fight
the influences out there." Or, alternatively, out of fear,
should we try to over-protect our children and, thereby risk either
breaking their spirit or severing their connection with us?
The answer is obviously no. You don’t
have to stand by passively or over-react in anger while your teen
experiments or abuses drugs. First and foremost, it is important
that you be informed. There are excellent sites, pamphlets and books
on teen drug use and I would strongly recommend that you understand
the signs of drug use. In Part II I will talk more about this and
I will recommend sites and resources for information on teen drug
use and abuse.
A teen who experiments with marijuana
is not the same as one who is using cocaine or heroine. Yes, in
a small percentage of cases marijuana use can lead to more serious
drug abuse but this is the exception, not the norm. An informed
parent will not approach his or her teen in panic but from a place
of concern and love. There is nothing wrong with a parent keeping
his eyes open and asking questions, not in an accusing way, but
in a caring way.
How Do You Know If Your Teenagers
Are Using Drugs?
They’ll tell you either directly
or indirectly.
Direct Communication: I know
a number of teens who have an open relationship with their folks
and have told them about their experimentation with marijuana. It’s
very unlikely that any young person who feels close enough with
mom or dad to keep them informed would be the kind of kid who would
be likely to be a serious drug user. One of the most important antidotes
to teen drug abuse is an open parent-child relationship. It doesn’t
happen by accident. Parents who respect, listen, and discipline
with love and understanding are parents who will have children who
respect, listen, accept and internalize their parents’ guidance.
The teenage years are a time of experimentation
– a time for them to learn their own truth about the
world and a time to figure out who they are. This learning
process doesn’t take place in a society in which traditions
and set standards of behavior are passed from generation to
generation. It occurs in the midst of the MTV culture in which
sex, drugs and violence are glorified. It is in that environment
in which our youth make choices and discover themselves. Is
it any wonder that they trip over themselves in this process
of self-discovery? This is precisely the reason why we parents
must play an important role in the lives of our teens. They
need us even if it appears that they could care less. However,
what they need are parents who have a strong sense of values,
the ability to communicate in a language of understanding
and a vivid memory of their own teenage years.
Indirect Communication:
Teenagers can’t help themselves. They must inform, arouse,
shake up or shock their parents. They are compelled by some primal
need to relate to their parents, to force a reaction that says,
"I know you’re there." If the relationship is good,
then the teen’s behavior falls within those parameters the
parents and child agree are reasonable.
If the relationship is distant and
hostile, then the teen’s behavior takes on a different significance.
It is no longer about finding oneself; it is about forcing the parent
to react. It is no mere coincidence that most adolescent drug abusers
have serious conflicts with their parents. Their drug abuse is,
in part, designed to force the parent to engage, albeit, under rather
unpleasant circumstances.
Your children will "tell"
you they have a drug problem when their grades start slipping, their
old friends start avoiding them, their behavior seems different
and their appearance starts changing. Those are not tell tale signs
of drug abuse but they may be alarming enough to force a reaction.
If the relationship is not good, then the typical parental response
will be to criticize the external manifestations – the clothes,
hair, rings in strange places and the general attitude. This only
pushes the teen further away and leaves the parent frustrated and
angry. What is really necessary is for the parent to use sincere,
open communication to find out whether his child is involved in
normal adolescent exploration or whether he is endangering himself
with drugs. When the door is slammed shut, it’s an invitation
for a crisis.
I never fail to be amazed at the extent
to which teenagers will utilize the most self-destructive tactics
in order to attempt to defeat their parents. Their behavior and
attitude screams, "I don’t give a damn and there’s
nothing you can do about it." Underneath the tough exterior
is the hurt child who desperately needs love and guidance. Without
it, a teenager is a prime candidate for the instant pleasure that
drugs can provide.
There’s a poignant expression
that captures the dilemma of the abuser – "You can never
get enough of what you don’t need." In other words, be
it food, alcohol or drugs the hunger that drives a person to abuse
is never satiated by the object of his abuse. Love fills, drugs
numb. Purpose and meaning provide direction; their absence leads
to emptiness and cynicism. Drugs provide powerful sensations that
conceal the desire for depth and spirituality.
It is our role as parents to help our
children to understand themselves, to learn how to make intelligent
choices and to impart values and meaning that will guide them through
the challenging journey of life. If we don’t do our job, then
they will look for the most expedient answers.
Let’s not be replaced by drugs.
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