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You are going through what millions
of parents of teenagers go through every day. As I'm sure you
know, the teenage years can be full of tumult, physical and emotional
changes, deep and sometimes disturbing questions of the "who
am I" variety and lots of angst. This can result in what
looks on the outside like very obnoxious, often rude behavior.
Those who have been through it assure us it will pass!
I have several friends -- all wonderful
women -- whose teenage daughters refuse to be seen with them in
public. So take heart. You're not alone. You say that your daughter
does the household chores you ask her to do even though she grumbles
about it. It may sound funny to say that this is something you can
be grateful for, but not all 16-year-olds will do chores! It also
says to me that she is basically a responsible, good-hearted person
and I'm sure that side of her will resurface more and more as she
matures.
A personal word of advice: My cousin
sent her two teenaged daughters to live with her ex-husband many
years ago. She has never forgiven herself for doing so and while
her daughters have forgiven her, they have not forgotten.
You say that she is okay sometimes.
Choose one of those times and ask her to have a talk with you.
Structure it as a problem-solving session. Tell her (and show
her by your tone of voice or a touch or whatever works for you)
how much you love her and care about her and that you'd like to
know if anything is troubling her. If she refuses to talk to you,
make sure to let her know the door is always open.
If she does talk, LISTEN. Try not to
judge or give advice. As she talks, try to put yourself in her shoes;
try to remember what you felt like when you were her age. When we
are feeling bad, most of us just want someone to listen and understand.
The answers to our difficulties are inside us and a loving, listening
ear is often all we need to find our own solutions.
Take a look at the drama on our Parents
Center called "I
Can't Go On" and pay attention to how the main character
feels when a friend really listens to her. I'm not suggesting
that your daughter and Ellen have anything in common -- just that
we can all learn from the way her friend listens.
One last thing: Perhaps your daughter
is picking up on your feelings that maybe she shouldn't be living
with you. You don't say when you split up with your husband, but
perhaps your daughter still has unresolved feelings about the divorce.
I also suggest you cruise around
our Teen
Center to get a feel for what's going on with other kids your
daughters' age.
Good luck!
Ruth Mason
Parent Center Director
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