|
Dear Mom.W.T.M.E.,
Sibling conflicts are as old as time. Same gender siblings who are
so close in age sometimes fall into one of two common patterns.
They may become close, loving friends, or they may become rivals
who vie to establish their own style or - even more hair-raising
for you - vie for their parents' attention.
If they don't naturally fall into the
first category, try to gently guide them at least to a neutral place.
Don't expect or aim for full blown mutual love at this time. The
message you want to get through to them is that they don't have
to be the same, but the fact that they are different doesn't mean
that they have to despise each other. (By the way, you say "lately."
Did they used to like each other? Has something happened recently
in the family life that could have exacerbated the situation?)
You don't mention whether or not they
share a room. If they do, and there is any way possible to separate
them, I would urge you to do so. If each of them has her own space
to decorate, where she can listen to the music of her choice and
hang out with her friends, that may help to alleviate matters, Even
if it means redecorating the basement, an attic or doing some rearranging
of inside space, it is worth it. This will not provide a total solution
to the problem but it is a good first step.
If they are already in separate rooms
and are getting on each other's nerves anyway, let's cut to the
chase. If your description is accurate, your older daughter is being
judgmental of the younger one (which is normal for a first born,
especially a girl). She probably considers herself almost an assistant
mother. While they were growing up, did she help you care for her
younger sister, look after her when they went out to play, remind
her to take her lunch and a jacket to school? Older sisters often
feel they are Vice Presidents to Mother and therefore have a special
status.
And, just to complicate the situation,
your older daughter may be right! Are her younger sister's friends
the kind who you want her spending time with? Are you also criticizing
your younger daughter about her friends/habits while you criticize
your older daughter for criticizing her? Could you be sending mixed
messages that confuse both girls?
This is the additional factor that
you should examine - the role that you are playing in this family
drama. Are you a busy, working mom? Are you very involved in their
lives (whether you are working outside the home or not)? Is it possible
they are, albeit subconsciously, enjoying having you on the sidelines,
refereeing and giving them both lots of attention? Do you think
they'd act out as vociferously if you were not there, an eager audience,
ready to jump in and intervene?
I would offer both girls an incentive
for attending family counseling. Even if the older one agrees to
go (under duress) but refuses to talk, she will hear some comments
from the therapist that may give her a different spin on things.
In any case, I think it will be difficult for her to act with as
much hostility if you are all seeing a therapist on a regular basis.
The responsibility she might be feeling because she is the older
sister may also kick in on the therapist front; she may not want
to appear less cooperative than her younger sister. Even if that
leads her to be cooperative for the wrong reasons at first, it could
lead, gradually, to a rapprochement. Patience is the key word here!
The director of our Parent Center,
Ruth Mason, adds, "Think of having a house rule that there
is no fighting or raising of voices in common areas. Let them have
it out in private. That way they can do what they need to do and
it won't bother others."
Lastly, and most importantly, give
both of them as much positive feedback as possible in those areas
in which they deserve it. They may be having their own issues to
deal with at school or with peers that you are not even aware of.
Try to remain a safe and supportive haven throughout it all for
each of them.
Good luck,
WholeMom
|
