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My feeling is that you cannot play
the role of judge and jury. If you choose sides, the child (who
is almost an adult in this case!) you don't side with in any particular
argument will be angry and the other one will wonder with whom
you will side tomorrow. Neither of them will be satisfied with
you taking sides.
I understand your frustration about
the blaming and negativity but unfortunately, you can't force either
of them to see the other in a good light. This is something they
have to work out themselves. At this age, it's time for them to
take responsibility for their own actions. But while you can't create
facts, you can create an atmosphere.
First and foremost, don't compare them.
And don't praise one in front of the other hoping you will elicit
better behavior. If you set a tone for accepting each one for who
they are and there is a tacit, unspoken respect for each of the
kids, then you will be modeling the behavior you want them to emulate.
You can also try giving them a role
in which they each feel separately and together that they have something
important to contribute to the family. You can try something like
asking them to prepare a weekend family meal together because you
won't be around that day. And then make yourself scarce!
What you want to do is create a climate
for cooperation and communication between your children. You can
try having a discussion in advance, saying this situation is coming
up very often and maybe we can find a way to resolve the problem.
But find out from them first if the situation bothers them.
If it does bother them, you can help
them by encouraging them to communicate about what's happening,
making your role minimal. Don't preach. Let them know you respect
each of them enough to know they can modify this behavior.
If the behavior doesn't really bother
them, then they may be getting something out of the fact that it
bothers you. Ask yourself: What is their relationship like when
you are not around? If they get along better when you're not around,
then they could be bickering for your benefit. They need to get
you involved either because they want your attention or because
they are jealous of each other.
If that is the case you can remove
yourself from the situation when it happens. In general, I think
you need to pull yourself out of the situation a bit. If you can't
stand the arguments, leave the room, go out for a walk, visit a
neighbor. You may not be able to control their behavior but you
can control the impact it has on you. And then they have nothing
to gain by continuing to bicker. This takes a tremendous amount
of strength, but it's worth it.
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