I got up the next morning feeling angry and depressed. Dan was his usual unresponsive self, not aware that anything wrong had happened the day before, not aware that I had passed up the chance for a passion-filled afternoon in the arms of another man to come home to him. Not aware that the heart of the woman next to him in bed was breaking.

Would it have mattered to him?

I didn't know how to begin the day, what to do with my anger, how to deal with my disappointment, with my frustration with myself for saying No.

I saw the rest of my life stretched out before me and I had to make some decisions. Would it be a life like before - the comfortable, unexciting life ours had become, or would the shock of what I had given up spur me to action, to make it better? I couldn't do it on my own and I felt like I had no one to do it with me. I pressed the heels of my hands hard against my eyes to stop the tears. I felt so angry.

I called in sick to the office, got up and stayed in the old running suit I had slept in. I grabbed some cereal, thinking how I should have enjoyed the chance to relax for a change over a leisurely breakfast. There was none of that delicious "playing hooky" feeling I used to get from skipping a day of school, college or my job. I did feel the sudden urge to write, to put my thoughts down on paper.

I remembered the forest green diary that my sister Lisa had given me for my last birthday. "Didn't you used to write poetry?" she asked me at the time. God, it had been years. But I would use her gift now. I wonder what she would say if she knew what I was using it for.

I curled up in a corner of the couch, where I could have a view of the maple tree outside that I loved, especially in the autumn when its leaves were glorious colors. It always gave me a sense of peace. Not this morning, though.

How shall I begin, I thought. Let's approach this logically, like I do most things in my life. I'll make lists of pros and cons and figure out which direction to go in.

Oh right, that's real logical, I said to myself. Here I am, obsessed about this guy, dreaming of making wild love to him, and I'm going to draw columns on a paper of pros and cons? Should I throw my life away or should I not? Aw hell, I thought, I'll do it anyway. The exercise will do me good.

The first thing I have to do, I thought, is to contain my fantasy. I'll do it through poetry, I decided. In high school, the haiku had been my favorite form of verse. There was something about the seventeen compact syllables, a genre adopted from the Japanese, that I loved. It forced me to consolidate my feelings. It helped me to focus, to not let my emotions run away with me.

And so I wrote.

His eyes embraced me
I escaped with heavy heart
Next time I might stay.

I recited the words out loud. What was the tone - sad? Angry? Threatening? Perhaps hopeful.

Now, I said to myself, let's get down to business.

I marked off three columns on the first page and gave each column a title. I looked at what I had written and it struck me as almost comical, analyzing this like a business plan.

The headings were: 1) Have Affair with Eric but Stay with Dan, 2) Don't Have Affair with Eric and Work it out with Dan, and 3) Leave Dan and Run off with Eric for Good.

Under each heading there was also a "Pro" and "Con". I had to write in tiny letters to get it all on one page. This is the way my lists looked:

A. Have affair with Eric but stay with Dan
PRO

1. Romance (It's sure been a while since I got any of that.)
2. Great sex (I'll even settle for good sex. Anything is better than what we've got now.)
3. I get to be with someone who really cares about me.
4. Children still grow up in a relatively stable family.
5. If it doesn't work out, I can always get back to my marriage and try to make it better.
6. Dan will never know the difference because I'll be happy.
7. I'll stop being angry at Dan because I won't need him anymore.

CON

1. Dan will find out and then it might be a sticky divorce and the children would be caught in the middle.
2. Others may find out and I will lose my good name.
3. It goes against my belief system and my upbringing.
4. I'll feel very alone. When I have down days there will be no one to talk to about it. ("Hi Kristen, how's the family? Me, I had a fight with my lover." Yeah, right.)
5. What if he leaves me?
6. What if I don't like him anymore?
7. I'll have to lie all the time. (I hate to lie.)

B. Don't have affair with Eric and work it out with Dan
PRO

1. I will not be endangering my children or my good name.
2. I guess I'll be doing the right thing.
3. Maybe Dan and I will improve our marriage. (Not likely).
4. I'll figure out whether I really want to stay in this marriage. (Will Eric wait for me if it takes me time to find out?)

CON

1. I will not have real romance, love, understanding or great sex.
2. I'll feel stifled and unhappy most of the time.
3. The kids will grow up without seeing two parents who are madly in love with each other.
4. I'll be angry, frustrated or depressed a good part of the time.

C. Leave Dan and run off with Eric for good
PRO

1. I'll start a new life with someone wonderful.
2. I'll feel fulfilled and happy.
3. The children, when they are with me, will be in a happier atmosphere. (Maybe that's assuming a bit too much.)

CON

1. The children might go through some rough times.
2. I'll feel maybe like a failure because I didn't do all I could to save my marriage.
3. It might ruin my good name.
4. What if Eric doesn't want to marry me and for him this is a passing fling?
5. What if it isn't as great in real life as it is in my imagination?
6. What, am I dreaming? He hasn't even asked me.

I read the lists again as I slowly climbed the stairs to my bedroom to get dressed. Might as well use the day to catch up on some shopping, I thought. Buying new clothes always made me feel a little better, though this time I didn't think it would do the trick, not if I didn't have a husband who appreciated how they looked on me anyway.

I hid the diary under my pillow, still damp with tears from the night before, got dressed and left the house.