His hotel was nearby. "Do you know what you're doing?" I asked myself as we walked in that direction. I didn't know the answer, but I kept walking. Could he feel the way I was torn apart inside? Did my skin communicate my fear? The conga drums in the park pounded in my head, exciting me and scaring me.

You're not there yet, I thought. Maybe we'll just have a few drinks, relax, discuss business some more and I'll go home, I told myself, lied to myself...No, this is not about a few drinks, I thought. You know what he wants. You know what you want.

I could feel his closeness as we walked. His hand brushed against mine. I wanted desperately for him to reach out and take my hand and was terrified that he would. "What are you doing? What are you thinking of?", a voice in my head screamed. We kept on walking. I heard the voice again: "Carmen, you have three children; you are married to Dan. If you do this, there's no going back. But I want to do this. I want this. I really want this. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time. I haven't felt alive. I haven't been with a man who wanted me like this man wants me."

My breathing came faster. I hoped he wouldn't notice. "Am I going too fast for you?" he asked gently. "No", I breathed. "Well, maybe a little." He slowed his pace.

"I like this man," I thought to myself. "I like the way he relates to me. I like the way I feel with him. I like the way we are together. What earthly reason could there be not to do this? Who will be hurt by this? Dan will never know. It will be beautiful."

We walked on until we reached his hotel.

Eric stepped aside and gently guided me through the revolving door. We walked across the lobby. Water cascaded from a fountain and there were flowers everywhere. The air was filled with their perfume. We reached the elevators. I stared at the mirrored doors, not able to face him.

We entered the elevator. It climbed to the 17th floor. My heart raced. I trembled at my thoughts. Somewhere deep inside me a voice screamed again, "What are you doing?" But I shoved it out of my consciousness. I felt his arm around my waist. His touch, even through the tweed and silk, sent shivers through me. He was close enough for me to inhale his cologne. The smell intoxicated me. Suddenly his hand was on my back, under my jacket, drawing me close. His other hand gently turned my head toward him. I found myself looking up into his eyes, closer than our faces had ever been. My eyes closed as his lips pressed down hard on mine. It was so sudden, so strong. His taste was heaven. I wanted more. I didn't want him to stop.

The elevator drew to a sudden halt. I felt the slight roughness of his cheek as he pulled away. We walked out and started down a very long, deeply carpeted hallway.

We reached his room. He unlocked the door and extended his arm inward, inviting me to enter. I felt myself swaying back and forth on the threshold. I could see inside the room, see the large bed. I closed my eyes for a second that seemed like an eternity. I felt one force pulling me back, down the richly carpeted hallway, toward the elevators and outside to safety, and another force drawing me inward. Yes, I thought, into your room, into your bed... "Don't do it!" A voice screamed at me. I opened my eyes and the voice was still there, screaming in my ears, in my eyes, in my heart.

I couldn't look at Eric. I was gripped by panic, by fear. I felt paralyzed. My heart dropped. "I can't do this, Eric," I said, my voice trembling. I turned and quickly walked away.

I reached the elevators, my eyes full of tears, my heart pounding, went down, ran out of the hotel and walked quickly back to my car. The fog surrounding me had cleared. The day had gotten colder, I was cold and everything I looked at was in sharpened focus. I got back to my car, fumbled for my keys and got in. My fingers trembled as I turned the key in the ignition.

As I waited for the engine to turn over, I allowed myself the first deep breaths, the first thoughts since I left the hotel. Was I crazy? Why had I run? Was Dan worth it? What was I going home to? Why had I run away?

Should I feel noble for doing the "right" thing? Damn it, I had been so close to passion, to happiness. Doing the "right" thing didn't give me as much of a thrill as the touch of Eric's hand on mine.

Why had I run away?

As I drove, I automatically hit the tape button. My favorite cassette was in. It was Dan Hill's.

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie

Could that be the reason I ran from Eric? Because I just couldn't bring myself to lie to Dan? But was I ready to hurt him honestly? To tell him the truth about how I really feel? How alone, angry and hurt I had become?

I drove home and crawled into bed beside Dan. He was fast asleep. I cried for a long time, silently, my face hid in the pillow. My silent sobs turned to long, sad sighs.

A bottomless void lingered inside of me. I knew I would always wonder if I made the right decision. I would always wonder what it would have felt like to have the dream, to feel the joy of making love with a man who looks at me as if he really adores me. I would always wonder what it would have felt like to lie in Eric's arms.

I tortured myself over and over again with questions with no answers until my tired, wet eyes sank into my pillow and into a restless sleep of dreamless despair.