Why did Carmen say no?

I had a client, a married doctoral student in psychology, who for weeks had been having a flirtatious relationship with her supervisor, a married man with three children. I warned her that she was headed for trouble. "It's innocent," she argued. "It's dangerous," I countered. A week later she came to her session distraught and in tears. Between sobs she told her story. "We were alone in his office and the clinic was empty. He took my hand and told me that he was turned on to me and he was certain that I felt the same. I didn't argue. We started to kiss and before I knew it we were down to our underwear. I was very excited but scared. He removed my bra and reached for my panties. Something inside of me froze. I couldn't do it. I pushed his hand away and quickly put on my clothes. I think I mumbled something like 'I'm not ready for this.' He didn't try to stop me."

"Michael," she said to me through her tears, "I hate myself for what I did." "It's okay," I responded. "You stopped yourself. It took a lot of guts for you to do that." "No, no, you don't understand," she cried. "I hate myself for not having had the courage to go through with it." We spent the next two months trying to understand her fear and resistance. At the end of the process she told me, "I guess what I thought was a lack of courage was really something in me that just couldn't accept the deception and the lies."

Carmen doesn't understand why she said no. There's no strong inner voice telling her that she made the right decision; there's no feeling of pride for not having succumbed to temptation. On the contrary, she's depressed, confused and angry. You almost get the sense that she is the victim of her own fear. If personal growth were mainly about saying No to one's fears, then a breakthrough for Carmen might have meant saying Yes to Eric. But personal growth is much more than that. It's learning to distinguish between irrational fears and those fears that are warning you that there's danger ahead.

So what words of support and encouragement would you offer Carmen? How would you respond to her when she tells you with deep sadness in her voice that she feels like she ran away from happiness? "For what?" she asks you, challenging you to give her one reason why it made sense to say No.

Let me stop you right now. Don't try to answer her. Don't attempt to explain her behavior. Don't try to save her from her discomfort and confusion. It's what she'll need if she decides to begin a journey of self-discovery. All quests begin with a question. Every search starts from a sense of emptiness and despair. Carmen is suffering. That's okay if it pushes her to find answers to her questions. She turned her back on something she desperately needs. She can respond by escaping into despair and depression or she can get mad and scream to herself, "I damn well better know why I said No. It cost me dearly." I'm rooting for anger and determination. They're the tools you need to dig into the soul of a marriage.

So, let me help you out. This is what you might say to Carmen: "I can't tell you why you said No. Only you can answer that question. What I can tell you is this: If you were able to run away from the excitement, the passion and the emotional connection, then there must be something very deep in you that can't or won't accept an affair as the answer to your problems. Carmen, don't kick yourself for your honesty. Use it to discover the truth about yourself and your marriage."

* * *

Let's take a break from Carmen for a moment and try to understand a bit about that much misunderstood institution called "marriage". I want to return to a statement that I made in the introduction: "Marriage is our best chance for overcoming selfishness, growing and learning how to love."

I'd like to share another story with you, this one from my practice.

Rebecca hated the fact that her husband, Alex, an elementary school principal, rarely helped with the housework or the three children. "I work all day long trying to make a living," he complained. "The house and kids are Rebecca's job. If she wasn't so disorganized and lazy, things would be a whole lot better around here."

Rebecca, not to be out done, would counter by calling him a demanding, self-centered baby. "I'm not your mother," she screamed at him after one of their more strident battles." "It wouldn't hurt you to learn a lesson or two from her," he roared back. "At least she knew how to be a good wife."

And so it went, on and on... complaints and put-downs, criticisms and demands. "Do you two enjoy this?" I asked, in an attempt to break through their hypnotic ritual. "Of course not!" they replied in unison. "Why would we come to marital counseling if we enjoyed it?" Rebecca answered.

"So what don't you like about it?" I asked, in the hope that by analyzing their dead-end dialogue it would release its hold over them.

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked rhetorically, and then without waiting for my reply continued. "It's no home. It's a battlefield. I'm in a constant state of tension. I want to be a good wife. If he would only meet me half way and help, he'd have a much happier wife."

I noticed Alex listening attentively to Rebecca's words. There was a thoughtful, almost sad look on his face, a far cry from his usual critical demeanor. "What's going on?" I asked. "I'm just sick of the constant fighting," he answered. "We never solve anything and it's terrible for the kids. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do love Rebecca and I want to work things out."

Deep pain is the main catalyst for change. Seeing how they were destroying their family was unbearable for Rebecca and Alex. Yet, it was exactly that awareness that could lead to a breakthrough.

I had to act quickly.

"Rebecca," I said gently, aware that her eyes were filling with tears, "Do you mind sitting in the waiting room while I have a few moments alone with Alex?"

"No, I guess not," she replied and left the room.

I turned to Alex who looked rather apprehensive. "Alex," I said quietly, "I believe you're ready to be a good husband."

He nodded his head.

"I have a plan," I continued. "First, though, I want you to describe your usual state of mind when you leave work, while you're driving home and the moment you walk through the door."

He paused for a moment. "Well, by the end of the work day I'm exhausted. All day long I deal with teachers' complaints, budget problems, acting-out kids and dissatisfied parents. No one ever tells a principal that he's doing a good job. So when I get into the car I just want to get far away from all the pressure and demands. I just want to come home to a happy and friendly wife, quiet kids and a good meal. Am I expecting too much from Rebecca?"

"Before we get into that, please describe what happens when you come home."

"I open the door and immediately the kids run to greet me, all of them talking at once. A fight usually breaks out since they're all competing for my attention. I almost always lost it. Then Rebecca breaks in and says something like, 'Do you have to yell? or 'Is that how you treat the kids in school?' Then I come back with one of my zingers like 'If you ran the house like you were supposed to, then I wouldn't have to yell.' It usually goes downhill from there. By the end of the evening we're not talking."

"What do you think Rebecca's mood is when you enter the house?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should call her back in and ask her", he said with a slight edge to his voice.

"No, I'd rather you try to put yourself in her shoes and describe how she feels at the end of the day."

"I'm sure she's totally exhausted from childcare and housework. She's got two children under the age of five at home with her all day. Their screaming and fighting can drive you crazy. All day long she's picking up after them. I've got to give her credit. She has a lot more patience with them than I do."

"You know, Alex," I remarked, "that's the first time I've heard you compliment Rebecca. Is that because she's not here to hear it?"

He thought for a moment, smiled and said, "Yeah, I guess I don't want to give her the satisfaction." His smile disappeared, as if he were trying to understand the impact of what he had just said.

He looked at me and said bitterly, "I can't believe the kind of stupid games we play with one another. We don't have a marriage; we have a non-stop competition over who's more miserable.. We're destroying our family with our idiotic power struggles. It's got to stop."

"So, are you ready to do something about it?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied looking straight at me.

"Good!. I'm going to ask you to do something that's very hard for you."

"What's that?" he asked.

"To learn about who you're married to. You can't do that when you're trying to force her into being who you want her to be. Rebecca's tough but she's reasonable. She said it, 'Meet me half way.' So, here's how to do it:

" For one week I want you to forget about what Alex wants from Rebecca. Instead you're going to focus on her needs. Here's how: Before you get out of the car at night from work, I want you to think about Rebecca. Try to imagine how she feels at the end of the day. You know what she has to deal with. When you're in the car picture it just as you described it before. When it's clear in your mind, get out of the car, stop at the front door, take a deep breath and walk in."

"Okay, but what should I do once I'm in the house?" he asked.

"I'll leave that up to you. You just think about Rebecca and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

"Remember, for the next week, do this every time that you enter the house. When I see you next week you can give me a report."

It succeeded far beyond my expectations.

Alex came in the following week with Rebecca. She began by telling me, "I'm not sure what you told Alex, but whatever it was, it's working. For six straight days he's asked me how my day was. He helps with the kids. He even did a puzzle with Alicia. This is not the Alex that I know.

"Last night he came into the kitchen, put his hands on my shoulders and started to massage them. I couldn't believe it. I started to cry like a baby. It's like he realizes that I exist - that I'm a person. You know what's so crazy about this? I felt so good about Alex that I surprised him with his favorite desert. Everyone in the house is happier now. If you had asked me a week ago if I thought that this was possible, I would have told you to stop dreaming."

I saw Alex and Rebecca for another four sessions. At the last appointment Alex said to me, "I never realized how selfish I was. I just assumed that Rebecca would be there for me. I started to think about her and she's changed. She's become the kind of wife I had always wanted. I guess that's because I've become the kind of husband that she needed. Thanks."

A great and wise psychiatrist named Harry Stack Sullivan once said, "Let your partner's needs be at least as important as your own." Alex made that switch. He stopped demanding and started giving. Once he did, he began to receive.

If Carmen and Dan hope to repair their marriage, they, too, will have to learn this truth.