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Imagine for a moment that you're Carmen's close friend. She
calls you up on the phone and tells you that she is in love
with another man - someone who makes her feel beautiful, desired
and loved. You're surprised she would take such a chance.
You think you should warn her. You ask her if it's worth the
risk. She replies, "I don't know, but I feel alive and
connected when I'm with Eric. Is that wrong?"
Okay, how would you answer her?
Would you lecture her on the dangers of marital infidelity,
replete with statistics on the devastating affect an affair
can have on marriage and children? And what about the fact
that every major religion comes out squarely on the side of
monogamy even to the point that the Old Testament proscribes
stoning as the punishment for the adulterer?
Perhaps, you would take the blunt approach and say, "Carmen
you're crazy. This is total madness. You're acting like a
love struck teenager. Get real girl, watch a soap opera, don't
live it. You've got to stop this now before you get into something
that's going to ruin your life." Carmen's response to
you: "You're right but I am sick and tired of doing what's
right. The only thing that does for me is make me depressed,
angry and bitter."
Okay, let's say you're a good listener and even though you're
chomping at the bit to express your outrage, you keep your
opinions to yourself. You listen compassionately as Carmen
describes how lonely and depressed she's been feeling. She
might even tell you, "I know this is crazy, but if it's
a choice between dead and dangerous, I'll go for dangerous.
Is that wrong?"
"Carmen," you answer, "I'm not God. I can't
answer that question for you. Only you can. I understand how
unhappy you've been and how good Eric makes you feel, but
(no matter how open minded you are it's virtually impossible
to talk to someone about an affair and not throw in the but)
before you get too involved with Eric why don't you deal with
your marriage? Either try to make it work or get out of it.
Just don't continue living a lie. Think of this affair with
Eric as kind of a marital heart attack. You know - a very
stern warning that it's time for you and Dan to get your act
together."
Makes sense, doesn't it?
Yes, it certainly does. Especially if you're not the one
who is having the affair. One thing that twenty-six years
of experience working with couples has taught me is that anyone
in the midst of an extramarital love affair is not looking
for an answer to the question "Is cheating on my partner
wrong?" On the contrary, what she wants is confirmation
that the path that she has chosen is in some way morally justifiable.
From her perspective, how could it not be?
So now let's understand why. Why is it that Carmen or any
one of us who is in the midst of a romantic marital affair
is seemingly immune from hearing, incapable of receiving or
unwilling to accept any form of confrontation, be it moral,
religious and/or just plain logical? To understand that phenomenon
we need to understand the concept of the emotional bubble.
If you were to say about someone that he lives inside a bubble,
you would immediately conjure up certain images about that
person. You would most likely think of him as someone who
lives inside of himself, cut off from the kinds of influences
and distractions that affect most of us. Inside the bubble
we can create our own world, replete with imaginary characters
and heroic fantasies. More often than not the strength of
the bubble is directly related to the sense of disappointment,
frustration and failure that we feel in our work and relationships.
The bubble protects us from dealing with the fact that the
reality of our lives is in conflict with our dreams, hopes
and aspirations. Make no bones about it. It takes courage
and integrity to come face to face with the truth that the
gap between who we are and who we wish to be is painfully
wide. And that division pales in comparison to the gulf that
separates the marriage that we long for and the marriage that
we have.
For some time now Carmen has felt the pain and emptiness
that comes from living with a stranger. Perhaps, she's made
efforts to heal her relationship with Dan. Perhaps, this is
how Carmen would have described her marriage: "I tried
to talk to Dan about our problems, but he never responded.
He was either too tired or too wrapped up with his business
to even notice. I just gave up trying." In the absence
of love and connection a deadly apathy permeated Carmen's
relationship with her husband. At the moment that she gave
up on her marriage she unconsciously said yes to the possibility
of an affair.
For Carmen, her affair with Eric becomes the immediate solution
to her pain and emptiness. The deadness is gone and in its
place is an exquisite sense of pleasure. However, for Carmen
to maintain this intense pleasure she must defend herself
from feelings of guilt and shame. She must protect herself
from that inner voice that screams, "This betrayal goes
against everything that you know is right and true. Don't
do it!" Thus, to continue her relationship with Eric
she has to convince herself that it's moral, beautiful and
honest. And from her perspective it is. The experience of
passion, connection and aliveness form the elements of a powerful
inner argument that enable her to maintain an essentially
guilt free relationship with Eric.
These are the same forces that are at play in all extramarital
romantic relationships. To resist them takes enormous moral
and psychological strength. Let's not be lulled into thinking
that this could never happen to any of us, or if we were faced
with the possibility of an affair, we would say No. Let's
try to understand Carmen's inner world and how she constructs
a defense against guilt and shame. Remember Carmen is no different
than any one of us who has crossed over this marital red line.
She is not a sexually promiscuous woman who lacks respect
for her marital vows. She is basically a decent and moral
person who has given up all hope that she will ever feel fulfilled
in her marriage.
However, now that she has crossed over this red line she
has to convince herself that it was the right decision. She
does this by creating the emotional bubble, which enables
her to sustain the affair. Here's how:
1) She convinces herself
that the affair is justified:
I was with Eric fully and honestly. I was there. Something
that I had not felt in a long time. Something that I had once
felt with Dan? It seemed like another lifetime ago.
..... Fear? Was it the feeling of being cut off - alone?
Yes, but I sensed it was deeper than that. Something to do
with the fear of being cut off from me. Never again feeling
passion, burying myself to accommodate my marriage. God, I
had become so practiced at the lines. "Listen Carmen,
be real. You can't expect bells and whistles after thirteen
years of marriage. Settle for comfortable, familiar. It's
warm and safe."
"Dammit," I thought, "I don't want warm and
safe. I want alive and connected. I want what I felt with
Eric."
2) The affair with Eric
meets real emotional needs:
Okay, so Dan's a sweet guy. I need more than sweet. I need
what I had yesterday - poetry and passion. I didn't know until
I had it how desperately I needed it. It may have been the
most incredible day of my entire life. I made love to a man
who made me feel myself. I was me, I discovered myself - I
was full of fire and love and excitement.
3) The affair acts as
a sedative for her depression and despair:
What did I do to deserve deadness and dullness? Why do I have
to live with that the rest of my life?
4) She believes that the
affair will have a beneficial affect on the marriage:
You know, maybe it will be better for the marriage. The problem
with our marriage has been me. Dan thinks that things are
just fine. I've been the one wanting more. Well, maybe I've
wanted something from Dan that he just can't give. If he doesn't
have it in him to satisfy me like I need, why demand it from
him? As long as I have what I need with Eric I don't have
to expect Dan to give me what he can't. I can appreciate Dan
for who he is - a good father and a nice guy. Dan will feel
less pressure and I'll feel less critical.
5) She experiences a heightened
sense of reality:
I felt as if little things I had seen a thousand times suddenly
became alive.
6) She experiences highly
pleasurable and erotic inner fantasies:
I imagined his smile, his laugh, I felt his hand on mine.
I relived the sensations of the day before, over and over
again. I could taste his lips on mine, his legs pressing against
my thighs.
7) She feels a powerful
desire to repeat the experience:
My emotions surged, as a voice inside me said, "I can
still feel the sweetness of Eric's touch. How can I hold on
to that? I can't give it up. I won't give it up."
8) She feels sexual passion:
I could feel the heat of his body next to mine. He led me
to his bed and began to slowly remove my suit jacket. It slipped
to the floor...
9) Her feelings of guilt
and betrayal become weak:
He took my hand and led me to his bed. It can't be a sin,
I thought, it feels too heavenly...
This was me, Carmen Ross-Fields, wife of Dan, mother of Rachel,
William and Wade. Hadn't I just committed "adultery"?
That was such a nasty word. How could something so beautiful
have such an ugly name?
10) Lies, deceptions and
duplicity become essential elements in the maintenance of
the affair: I called the sitter on my cellular phone.
"Cathy, I have to stay later than I thought at the office.
Can you stay with the kids till Dan gets home?"
How do I act like a loving wife? I guess I'll figure it out.
I've been acting that role for years. I thought of T.S. Eliot's
Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,
There will be time, there will be time, To prepare a face
to meet the faces that you meet....
I called the office. I told them that I had a doctor's appointment
and would be late.
But I couldn't do it. I claimed exhaustion.
It's fair to say that the kind of relationship that Carmen
is entering into with Eric can only occur if the marriage
is lacking in emotional closeness, respect and commitment.
Simply put the marriage is more painful than pleasurable.
The pleasure of the affair is far more satisfying than the
pain of guilt and shame. For Carmen to end the affair the
balance of pleasure and pain would need to shift.
In essence, the negative consequences of lying and cheating
and their affect on her children, her husband and herself
would by necessity have to become stronger than the pleasure
of the relationship. If and when that happens, the emotional
bubble will burst, and Carmen's response to the same friend
who said, "You've got to deal with your marriage. Don't
continue living a lie," would most likely be, "You're
right. I can't live like this. It's too painful. I have to
stop running away and follow your advice, 'Either work on
the marriage or end it.'"
COMING
SOON !!!
A NEW
CHAPTER OF THE AFFAIR
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