Dear WholeFamily Counselor,

My husband has had an affair and has left me three times. This last time he came home he said he would do anything. Even counseling. We have made an appointment to go. But what can I do in the meantime? I find myself looking for any signs to see if the affair is still going on. I want our marriage to work.

I was in a bad car accident and have not been able to work for the past six months. I feel that his cheating is my fault. Even though I know it isn't. How can I quit asking questions about the affair? And get over the fear of him leaving me again?

Thanks

Dear "Looking for Signs,"

Thank God you have made an appointment to go for counseling! This is a very good start.

Generally speaking, an extra-marital affair points to something that has gone wrong in a marriage. Some of the reasons for extra-marital affairs are:

• passion is not there anymore, or it has never existed
• lack of emotional closeness
• lack of communication
• lack of interest in each other
• lack of commitment to each other.

And this is only the beginning of a very long list indeed. I hope that counseling will help you to find the roots of the problem. In the meantime, I suggest that you:

1. Stop looking for any signs to see if the affair is still going on. Nothing is worse than living in constant anxiety about something you cannot control.
   
   
2. Stop asking questions about the affair and try to be busy with things that make you feel good like: meeting friends, going to the movies, reading books, taking part in sports, buying books etc...
   
   
3. Don't ever forget that your husband's cheating is first of all his responsibility and not yours, so you should stop blaming yourself for something that he is doing.
   
   
4. To be fearful of being left alone doesn't help the situation. Fears don't resolve any problems. That is why it is important to find the reasons for your fears:
   
   a. Is it because you love him and don't want to lose him?
   b. Is it because you don't believe you'll make it on your own?
   c. Is it because divorce frightens you?

In any case, it is wiser to drop the fear and see the situation as it is really. Looking at the truth is the best protection against fear.

Arlette Simon, MSW