Dear Dr. Tobin,

My wife and I have been separated for one year now. Some people around me say she is playing me for a fool, but she sometimes shows up for counseling and when she does everything is okay for a couple of days but then she does not want to return my calls or want to talk to me and says she loves me, but I get the feeling that she has a boyfriend even though we are still married. I just don’t know what to do or think. What do you think is going on?

I Don’t Know What to Think

You do sound confused.

You state the following:

1. People think you’re a fool, i.e. she’s just playing with you.
   
   
2. She shows up for counseling and everything is fine.
   
   
3. Suddenly she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.
   
   
4. She loves you.
   
   
5. You think she has a boyfriend.
   
   
6. You’re still married even though you’ve been separated for a year.

You ask me: “What do I think is going on?”

You sound like a man who should be asking himself, “What do I want?” The impression that you give is that you wait for your wife to call the shots and then you react.

I suggest that you start to take charge of your life and decide what you need and want from this marriage. To do that you need to take responsibility for the fact that what your wife may want might be different from what you want.

Right now you don’t have a marriage. What you have are two people who are neither willing to make a commitment to make this marriage work nor to end it.

Take a deep breath and find the courage to be honest with yourself.

Good luck,

Dr. Michael Tobin