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WHOLEFAMILY
VISITOR DANA REPLIES:
The fact that her parents didn't
divorce didn't mean that they weren't sick parents. They indulged
in a hateful relationship, and this was a failure of the individuals,
not the relationship. This woman would have had two sick parents
even if they divorced.
The real question is how happy/unhappy
this woman would have been if her parents divorced while she was
a young and dependent child? Most of us grown adults are not children
of divorce. Ask a child of divorce whether they would have preferred
that their parents had stayed together. It is amazing what you
will hear. I have met such people who say that staying together
would have been preferable even if the relationship involves alcohol
and physical abuse. It appears that it is much harder to be a
child of divorce than it appears to us, from the outside.
AND ANOTHER READER REPLIES:
My parents have been married for
40+ years, three kids later, and a first generation immigrant
from Asia. Marriage and family can survive a lot of challenges
as long as everyone is willing to make adjustments. In all the
years my family and I have been together, my parents 'discussed'
- and at times they were heated. Believe me I've seen my mother's
frustrations, but she stayed on and worked with the marriage and
the family. She makes adjustments, she patiently waits, she has
good timing. My mother always believed that there are certain
things children should not be exposed to and once they are grown
up it's none of their business.
Divorce was not something I grew
up with and never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Sometimes
when your happiness and your very existence here on earth is threatened
it is best to take the divorce alternative than to stay in a marriage
that can either kill you, cause you pain, or cause emotional damage
to your children.
When parents stay in the marriage,
even if it is 'bad', it shows a few things:
- that ugly and abusive(verbal,
emotional, physical, mental) treatment towards each other
is acceptable (it's not!)
- the children do not benefit
from it, they learn ugly and angry behaviors they will think
is okay to do to other people.
- it does not necessarily mean
that when a child grows up, he/she will recognize a bad
relationship or marriage, on the contrary, they might fall
into the same cycle without realizing it.
I have friends who are single parents
and know children who come from a single parent home who are healthy.
It can be done, just realize that commitment, patience and perseverance
are some of the tools and keys to succeed in raising children
as a single parent.
- Remind your children that
they are not to be blamed for your separation from your
husband.
- Show them your love and your
attention. You may have to put your own needs on hold for
awhile, but in the long run the fruits of your labor will
shine through your children. So often, couples 'use' the
children to bridge the parenting gap or to prove a point
or to 'win.'
- If divorce
is the only alternative, try not to deprive the other parent
from spending time with their children, unless of course
there has been history of child abuse.
- Marital and family counseling
can sometimes be an option if the relationship is not at
the point of 'no return.' Don't be afraid to seek professional
help or to try other alternatives.
AND
YET ANOTHER READER REPLIES:
(Personal details have been
changed to protect her privacy.)
My name is Renee and I am a 30-year-old
woman who has been married for almost two years, no children -
just a parakeet and a cat - might as well consider them as children!
My question is: "Why is the marriage bad?" What transpired
that indicates that your marriage is bad? I consider my marriage
to be in bad shape because my husband cannot keep a job and does
not know how to spell ‘responsibility.’
I think if you exhaust yourself totally
and feel that you have put every "POSITIVE" effort into
seeing what the issues and problems are there may be a possibility
to continue to stay in the marriage. A child did not ask to be
brought into this world and should be given the opportunity to
have both parents to love and care for the child.
But, again, if you have done everything
you feel that you can do to try and salvage the marriage (and
I mean everything) then it would most likely be better to leave
your problems instead of trying to "fix" them. Remember
though, you will always have to have a part in this person's life
for the next 18 years of your child's life. What kind of strain
will that cause your child?
My husband is from a broken home
and he has so much anger toward his parents that it is apparent
he will need a lot of therapy to undo what they did to him as
a child. Please try to salvage what you have and establish a positive
environment for your child!"
A Reader Replies:
Having read the comments in the section
on whether or not you should stay together for the children -
I have one very important thing to say, those people advocating
staying in a bad relationship for the children have no experience
with this subject whatsoever, they even admit as much.
I agree with the person who said
that it just causes more stress and strain on the children. I
also grew up in a family where the parents stayed together for
the kids. It was a nightmare...I strongly disagree with the person
who said that it's the people that are making it miserable and
that life would be just as bad if they divorced. That is absolutely
untrue! You would have to be a saint to live with a person in
close quarters when the relationship is strained.
Also the parents certainly aren't
going to show their children what a loving relationship is like...It
is also wonderful to see my mother happy for the first time ever.
Although my older sister and I are adults now, we are much happier
now.
I have one important question for
all of those who judge people by their divorces. Why should someone
be doomed to waste 15 or 20 or even more years of their lives
living in a bad situation because they have children? Those children
also deserve a happy household and that doesn't always mean two
parents. Not to mention that remarriage is also an option and
those children can benefit from having many supportive adults
in their lives.
A
MOTHER WRITES:
My mother divorced my father after
pretending to me, my younger brother and younger sister that they
had a happy marriage. The disagreements that they had were kept
from us for the most part, but I always had a sense that they
did not belong together. I HATED my mother since I was 13. She
was a loving, caring person who tried to do the best for us "staying
together for the children" until we had graduated college.
I had always felt that she was duplicitous. It caused me great
frustration and resentment.
"Now, I can see the correlation between when Mom tried
to get Dad to go to marriage counseling, and when I started
to hate her deceit. She would always say things like "you
enjoy eating your broccoli" with a big smile on her face
and in her voice. She literally plotted to leave my Dad from
the time I was 21 until I was 26. She even threw an elaborate
25th wedding anniversary.
Dad was always very passive and unconnected
to his feelings, and I understand why she left him, but he is
the one I love, not her. Perhaps, I hated her for lying and love
him for always being constant and honest. Dad is the most honest
person I know, even to the point of being unconsciously rude or
undiplomatic.
If I had to say whether they should
have gotten divorced, perhaps I would say that had my mom been
honest to me and said that she was planning to divorce my Dad
from the time I was 13, I might have had some respect for her.
Unfortunately, had she divorced in 1976, I would have been forced
to live with her. I might have committed suicide with only an
unstable and sneaky parent. The way she would change rules to
suit her situation drove (and still drives ) me out of my mind
with anger. She has the same effect on my brother, but not on
my sister (or barely so).
Had she divorced and my father been
given custody, I probably would be much more stable than I currently
am. My father taught me what responsibility means. My mother taught
me that you can be selfish and still do many things that look
like you are trying to something for the good of another. Perhaps
staying in an unhappy marriage warped her, but I do not believe
it warped me, or my brother or sister.
Furthermore, in answer to the question
"Why should someone be doomed to waste 15 or 20 or even more
years of their lives living in a bad situation because they have
children?" I believe the answer is that most divorces can
be lived in marriages of quiet existence for 15 years where both
parents give up their ‘lives’ so that the children can
see that responsibility does not dissolve when you make a bad
choice. That the two people do not love each other does not mean
that they can not live as brother and sister until the kids have
reached 18 years of age.
The children will see that their
parents love them. And those children will understand what it
means to be responsible and make responsible choices.
AND
A FATHER WRITES:
(Details have been changed to protect
anonymity) My divorce was final last week. Because we were separated
for almost a year before it was finished, I had a lot of time
to grieve (I didn't originally want the divorce), and then reflect
on the situation a little more objectively.
Right now, today, the results of
‘staying together for the kids’ are staring me in the
face. And it IS the kids that suffer. We have three children --
a girl, age 14, who decided to stay with me, a girl aged 9 and
a boy aged 2, who live with their mother.
The two-year-old is too young for
it to matter. We were separated since shortly after his first
birthday, so this way of life is really all he knows.
Our daughter (14) is handling it
well, all things considered. She's always been a straight-A student
and none of this has been affected. Toward the end of our marriage
(when we were still together), our daughter developed an attitude
that said "if I want something, the way to get it is scream
and yell" (taking on the role her mom and I were playing
--lots of screaming and yelling), which DID affect her school
work and relationships with friends.
Since shortly after her mom and I
split up, this stopped, and she's back on the ‘straight and
narrow’ -- not because anybody called her on it, but because
she's no longer exposed to it. BUT, because our daughter and I
have always been close, she doesn't have any desire to be around
her mom for more than an hour or two on mom's "visitation"
weekend. She's very bitter towards mom because of all this. Hopefully,
this will eventually pass and she will want to spend more time
with mom. BUT, it will certainly affect her overall outlook for
some time to come. Remember -- this attitude came about because
her parents "stayed together for the kids" and ended
up spending more time in verbal confrontations than they did nurturing
their children.
Now, the REAL problem -- our 9-year-old
daughter. At this age, I think children are TREMENDOUSLY influenced
by the environment around them. During the past year, she has
developed some severe emotional issues. These problems started
during the last few months her mom and I were together. Again,
we were spending a lot of time arguing and crying and all the
other things that go along with a marriage that isn't working
any more. She's very angry, has problems with relationships (making
friends), and often kind of goes off into a world of her own.
She feels like she has no control over how she acts (no control
over her life), and says her acting out is to get the other kids'
attention and to make friends. She can't seem to understand that
she doesn't have to be someone else for people to like her...in
fact, this acting out scares the other kids away. She starts counseling
with a child specialist this week, and hopefully we'll be able
to get to the root of the problem and take the steps to get her
turned around.
If you think that staying together
‘for the kids’ so that they will be in a happy, whole
family is the right thing to do, then you're only kidding yourself
and hurting your children, because the home isn't all that happy
(children know, even if you put on an act), and it isn't whole.
I would advise ANYONE that, if a
marriage is salvageable, then by all means do whatever possible
to put it back together. BUT, when it's over, it's over. Staying
together for the kids (which we did for as long as we could) will,
in many cases, do nothing but negatively affect every aspect of
their lives.
AND ANOTHER MOTHER WRITES US:
I have been reading these comments
on how divorce affects children and I too, finally had to respond.
Having three alcoholic fathers I have also been there as a child
going through divorce and difficult situations. Growing up and
repeating that cycle by marrying an alcoholic was very difficult
for me to accept (I swore I would never do that). Of course, I
did not realize this until after the second child when the responsibilities
became too much for him. Finally I had to come to terms with it
and make the decision that my children would be better off with
a single parent than with a parent with no values, goals or ambitions.
Not to mention bad habits!
I have been a single parent for almost
nine years now and can not imagine my children having to be exposed
to the kind of life that they would have had if their father would
have remained in the picture. It has been "a lot" of
work on my part, but it has paid off. Both of my children are
very high achievers and very involved in school. They are both
very athletic and involved in every sport that our school offers.
My son, almost 15, and my daughter, 12 1/2, have grown to be very
responsible and respectful children. How could they have ever
accomplished these goals with nothing but chaos and fighting in
the home if things would have remained the same?
I did not have a choice as a child
to avoid living in a very chaotic and painful situation, but as
an adult I have that choice. I would never recommend for anyone
to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. As one of
the other response letters said, how will they grow up learning
that it is healthy and normal to have a loving affectionate relationship
if all they see is fighting, control over each other and chaos?
For the most part, if that is the way you are raised then that
is how you will live as an adult when that appears to be "normal"!
Without a lot of independence and
determination that cycle will continue to be repeated. I also
think children need to see that if things do go bad in a marriage
they have control over their own lives to make it better. Life
is too short to be miserable and unhappy. It can be very lonely
to be alone, but I would much rather be lonely alone than to be
lonely with someone.
People change, some grow and some
never do. Why should the children be put in a position to never
experience happiness themselves as children because one of the
parents never grew up? Is that what we want to teach them - irresponsibility,
no goals, no motivation, no direction? I think not. My children
have learned to become more independent and responsible since
it has been the three of us for most of their lives, which I hope
will carry on into their adult life.
I work for Family Services and see
so many messed up families. I am fortunate enough to have the
strength and ambitions to make my life and my children's life
better by not allowing myself to stay in unhealthy situations
which will always leave some kind of impact on the children. Most
are not as fortunate as I have been to see the effects and be
strong enough to change that cycle when it comes to our own children.
I do believe very much in making
every attempt possible in trying to work things out, but when
that is not possible why should every one involved suffer, especially
the children! No doubt there will be some resentments from the
children when this happens, but with a lot of patience, understanding
and COMMUNICATION they soon are able to understand the benefits
of not staying in bad relationships.
We must work closely with the schools
also. It is unbelievable the difficulties that children have in
school academically and with relationships when their home life
is nothing but negative. Every parent should consider all of the
pros and cons of this issue before thinking that it is in the
"child's best interest" to stay in a bad relationship.
YOUR
VOICE ON LIFE, LOVE & MARRIAGE
"I've
often heard that people, including psychologists, believe it is
important for parents to stay together, even in a bad marriage,
so the kids will benefit from having two parents, two role models.
I strongly disagree. For as long as I can remember, my parents
fought and even at a very young age I knew it was only a matter
of time until they divorced. How can children learn and adopt
their parents' good attributes if the parents are so unhappy,
they are exhibiting their negative traits?
"In our case, instead
of moving forward and learning to deal with divorce, we were all
caught up in a vicious cycle of anger, frustration and hatred.
In my opinion, the only way I benefited from my parents staying
together in a bad marriage was thatit taught me how to recognize
a bad relationship."
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